When it came to men, I remember my mother telling me something close to why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. The idea that women should hold out the act of sex until there is a true connection, commitment or even love has been a long standing belief in society. However, as people are becoming more sexually liberated and relationships are not as they use to be, is there still value behind that statement?
Ive seen relationships last for years with people who slept with each other on the first night and also those who have waited. The thing about sleeping with someone on the first date is that you really dont know the person well enough and youre really rolling the dice when it comes to whether it will last past the night. The positive thing about time is that it allows us to get to know someone to determine if they are a suitable match for you. Lust is often a powerful aphrodisiac that can override logic. We feel like we are unable to escape from the immediate gratification of what giving into the lustful feelings can bring.
A recent study showed that relationship longevity increases when partners wait longer to have sex with each other. To be fair, extraneous variables such as religious practices and beliefs may be in play when it comes to choosing to wait and staying together longer. Those who are able to accept short-term pains for long terms gains have also been shown to be better adjusted when you look at classic research on immediate gratification.
There are some benefits to waiting and one of them is to create an emotional connection with your partner. When we are able to develop a deeper meaning of our relationship and what our partner means to us, we are more inclined to support our partner. The level of support from our partner is also linked to relationship longevity. Waiting gives us a chance for the emotional part to catch up with the physical. As human beings, we are deviated towards the unknown while craving security and comfort. The balance between exploration and comfort is what keeps the fire burning in relationships.
I asked several men what they thought and their experience when it came to the topic of waiting.
Mike from Vancouver shared that no man really wants to wait but waiting brings to the forefront whether the person you are seeing is someone you want to invest your time with. In that sense, you are more introspective about qualities other than the physical when you wait.
James from Vancouver said that when he doesnt wait and sex happens on the first date its hard to sit and listen closely to the person on the second date because all you want to do is get to the physical side of things. Its really hard to focus on much else.
Finally, Terrance from Vancouver said that as much as it can feel like torture when someone you are attracted to holds out on you, it can be a good thing. Waiting can change the way you see a girl. He adds. Whether girls like it or not, if I told my friends that a girl slept with me on the first date there is a good chance that they will see her as someone who is easy rather than sexually liberated. As much as our society has moved forward we still hang onto some traditional beliefs. It would be difficult for me to see a long term partner as someone who is easy.
So there we have it. At the end of the day whats the harm in waiting for a week or two or three when you can possibly have an eternity with someone. You feel the most liberated when you are comfortable with the choices you have made. Whichever path you choose, it will certainly set the course for what happens next.
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
