Its a little like lying by omission or simply not noting that something isnt true. Some consider the idea of being open to cheating or walking that fine line as emotional cheating. Theres no arguing that what is considered cheating varies with each person although most people would consider their partner kissing or having sex with someone else cheating. However, when we make up our own rules in relationships, things can get blurry especially our view of what constitutes a good relationship.
I spoke to a man recently who admitted to being in a long-term relationship but claims he has never been faithful in his past or current relationship. I was immediately appalled but curious at the same time.
"Havent you ever been caught?" I asked. He adamantly responded "no."
In his point of view, the key to cheating or being caught lies in a guilty conscience.
"I dont go out looking for girls because I really do love my girlfriend but Im not going to refuse another girls advances either," he discloses. Just like most people, the initial attraction and high of infatuation is simply too tempting for him to say no.
If youre like some girls out there, maybe the explanation for his behavior is simply he hasnt found "the one." After all, weve all heard about a friend of a friends whose partner used to be a cheating dog but somehow through the miracle of finding true love is now reformed. I believe that a good match for someone is how well you complement each other and fulfill each others needs. However, I also know that believing that this is the result of an instantaneous connection is self-delusion.
While I do believe that every couple has their own set of expectations and relationships are idiosyncratic, it is the key of mutual understanding that sets the boundaries between fidelity and infidelity. If you have not yet discussed what the boundaries of your relationship are and one person is left in the dark, there is a clear sense of deceit. In this case, you have cheated your partner out of what they believed they were getting from the relationship.
We cant bring full closure to this topic without asking the important question of: can you be in love with someone while shacking up with multiple partners behind their back at the same time? That "open" man I talked to certainly believed that he was in love with his girlfriend despite his indiscretions. Without the mutual agreement within the relationship of clear boundaries, one can only question if hes in love with his partner or the idea that this relationship allows him to have his cake and eat it, too.
As a final caveat to this story, he also disclosed to me that he is planning on proposing to his girlfriend next month.
***
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
