With tax time right around the corner, it only seems fitting to talk about money and relationships. Were taught to believe that money should not rule when it comes to matters of the heart. After all, weve all seen how romantic it can be when lovers are torn apart by divisions between classes, only to be reunited with each other. Jack and Rose did it on the Titanic and so did Noah and Allie on The Notebook. Both couples broke through the financial barriers that separated them. The reason adversity appeal to us is because we dont want to believe love is contingent on anything other than our commitment and devotion to our partner. Were in search of love at its purest form: unconditional love.
Now, I would hate to be the one to burst the bubble of hopeless romantics out there because frankly its like telling a child that Santa doesnt exist. But Im going to anyways. The truth is, relationships are difficult and often superficial in many ways. We judge whether we think a person can be a potential mate in minutes based on attraction not solely based on personality. The average amount of time to make an impression on a man is 15 minutes while women are a little liberal at one hour. Money is also ranked the number one relationship argument. Its the leading reason for conflict in marriages.
Money provides stability and the ability to live day to day without having to worry about a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Money is associated with power. Some of the most influential people in the world are also the wealthiest. This is not to say that money is the key to happiness but it can help a lot. In reality, nothing is really guaranteed including your bank account. However, having money can provide us with great psychological relief that we are safe within our comfort zone.
When money is an issue, we feel a threat to our psychological safety and stress increases. Stress is horrible not just physically but it also affects our ability to make sound decisions. This often means that we may react in a manner that may not be the best or our normal way of engaging with our partner. Some people have asked me: But what about wealthy people? If money is related to relationship satisfaction, why are so many rich people in crappy relationships? I cant speak for everyone but heres what researchers have found. When couples view their money as shared, they experience higher relationship satisfaction, stability and financial satisfaction. The second factor that makes a difference is the amount of communication between couples.
For those who are single, you may not be off the hook on this one, too. Single people are experiencing higher financial stress with the increase in housing prices in Vancouver and cost of living. This pushes you to work harder with less time to play, which means it lowers the chances of finding a mate. This is also a reason why people have started going online to date as a solution to their time constraints. Think about this. Most people on a date will ask their partner what their occupation is. This goes beyond matching interest and has a lot to do with finding out if our potential mate is financially stable. Many people may find this to be superficial but ask yourself the question: would you marry into financial strain or a stressful partner before you establish an emotional connection to that person?
There are some things that even love cant surpass. Money problems can significantly alter the face of your relationship. Love is not without its cost and neither is financial strain.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
