I was invited to the politicians' and pundits', post-Christmas, potluck supper where the attendees offered up some of their resolutions for the coming year:
1) Randy Kamp brought his salmon surprise; the surprise was that there was no salmon.
He did bring some nice side dishes from the parliamentary cafeteria, however, and resolved that perhaps he might cut back on his mailings next year, those annoying little flyers he sends out that add absolutely nothing to the political discourse and cost taxpayers millions.
2) Marc Dalton arrived with his backbench barbecue chicken, an inexpensive dish that offends no one and is apparently a favourite of premier Crispy Cluck - who likes to be called Colonel in caucus meetings. Dalton resolved to be more visible in the community, even to the point of riding in a convertible for Santa Claus parade 2012.
3) Craig Speirs showed up in his electric car with a recycled treat he calls Racoon a l'Orange (it got killed right outside the house). Speirhead resolved to be the voice of the NDP locally, pushing issues such as solar-heated public toilets downtown and the legalization of marijuana (who brought these brownies?).
4) Ernie Daykin was there with half dozen of his wife's homemade pies, several of which already had pieces missing. He told the crowd that 2012 would be a fitness-oriented year, that he and council members would immediately begin an exercise regimen in conjunction with the leisure centre, and that each of them would have to weigh-in before council meetings. "Strength of Mind is Exercise Not Rest," said the mayor before placing a moratorium on use of whipped cream.
5) Mike Sather showed up with some leftovers from a recent meeting of the Yennadon Youth for Socialism Club, and said that because Carly O'Rourke effectively ran the office, he resolved to keep a low profile and let Speirs do all the riding dirty work, such as taunting Dalton and shouting out Marxist slogans at meetings of the Albion Smart Shopping Citizens committee.
6) School board chair Mike Murray arrived with some snacks from the cooking program at Garibaldi SS (amazing what they can do in a portable with little more than a campstove and a cooler) and resolved to rigorously take on what he called a "growing and distracting cleavage problem" in our secondary schools.
shaw.ca "Of course what do you expect with the premier shows up to work sporting a low-cut dress?" Mike hinted at a return to corporal punishment.
7) Santa Claus came in with several boxes of milk and cookies and resolved to switch to a different mode of transportation: "I'd like one of the new multi-million dollar jets the government is ordering for the military. If I never see another reindeer's butt, it'll be too soon" he said, throwing back another eggnog and rum.
8) Two local members of the RCMP were in attendance with several boxes of wine (evidence) from a recent liquor store robbery and promised the gathering that 2012 would see a marked reduction in crime by the introduction of a large Taser cannon mounted on the top of a patrol car.
9) Several hookers showed up offering treats we can't describe in a family newspaper and arguing for the legalization of prostitution in 2012 as part of the downtown revitalization. One of the ladies remarked that they could bring more people downtown than street furniture and fancy fountains.
10) A group representing the homeless arrived with what appeared to be the contents of a dumpster, and resolved to continue their fight for affordable housing in the spring when they would establish a "tarp town" in Memorial Peace Park and harass municipal workers and bureaucrats out having their lunch in the sun.
The mayor was heard to say, "Let them eat pie."