It's official. Vancouver is a no-smoking zone. Butt them out on your shoe and fall in line.

A new bylaw takes effect today--in every Vancouver park (all 224 of them) and beach (except for Wreck) and along the entire seawall, smoking is prohibited. Anyone caught smoking will be fined up to $2,000.

A sweeping decree, by any measure. Surely the result of multi-level government cooperation and extensive public consultation.

Not quite. Not even close.

This new bylaw, which outlaws a legal activity in a city of 570,000, was crafted and enacted solely by the seven-member park board--an entity few Vancouverites know anything about. According to Vision Vancouver park board commissioner Aaron Jasper, who defended the bylaw during an interview last Friday, neither he nor any other park board commissioner campaigned on a smoking ban during the 2008 civic election.

So why now?

According to Jasper, the park board heard from "health care professionals" who claim secondhand smoke--even on a breezy beach--represents a health hazard. He noted the "environmental impact" of cigarette butts, and most bizarrely, went all Smokey the Bear on us. "Forest fires," said Jasper, "are a grave concern."

Forest fires? In Vancouver? Have there been any forest fires in Vancouver lately? Like since 1886?

"Well, this year there has been nothing I've been made aware of."

Put down the hoses, everyone. The threat has passed.

Back to the bylaw. Like most government overreaches, the devil lies in the proverbial details. Penalties not only apply to smokers but smoking accomplices. For example, if you light a cigarette for your 83-year-old grandfather who stormed the beach at Normandy but now resides in a wheelchair with limited use of his trembling hands, you can be fined up to $2,000.

And if, despite permission from the driver, you light up inside a taxi that happens to be on park board land, you're subject to punishment. Up to $2,000 worth.

Park rangers have received additional training to indentify and deal with smokers, and for the first time in Vancouver's history, now have the power to write on-the-spot tickets like traffic cops.

"This isn't about punishing people, it's about educating people," said Jasper. "Your personal habits are your personal habits and as long as they're not infringing on the peace and enjoyment of others and the health of others, continue whatever you're doing. It's not my place to tell people what they should do."

Of course, that's exactly what he's doing.

But despite legislating far outside his flowers and fields mandate, Jasper's on safe political ground. Persecuting smokers, today's unclean among us, requires no courage. They make easy targets. They willfully inhale carcinogen, flouting West Coast edicts of health and "wellness." To defend the smoker is to defend smoke--byproduct of fire, stainer of teeth, enemy of clear skies. Smokers patronize Big Tobacco. Occupy hospital beds. Flick ashes. They're the worst.

One last time. Back to the bylaw. So what should I do, commissioner Jasper, when bothered by the secondhand waft of my fellow citizen?

"I wouldn't tell anyone what they should do."

Of course not.

"But if you wanted to call 311, I guess you could do that."

Incidentally, the Vision-dominated park board last spring voted unanimously for the citywide smoking ban. During our interview last Friday, although he was unaware of the fine amount (he thought it was limited to $250) Jasper stood by his vote. "Our job is to make sure that everyone can have enjoyment of our parks and public spaces."

Call them what you will--acolytes of the nanny state, purveyors of huge government--you must admire their audacity.

Yet make no mistake, we've lost something as a city. When seven people, who owe their election in large part to blind party loyalty on behalf of Vancouver voters, arbitrarily and unilaterally outlaw smoking on taxpayer real estate, liberty loses.

The new no-smoking bylaw also signals the end of satire. It hung on, barely, while flogged and bloodied by Vancouver's wacky cast of politicians and professional scolds. Ladies and gentlemen, satire is dead. Because as the saying goes, you can't make this stuff up.