A lot happened in Canuckland this past year. Most of it was really bad, but some of it was okay, possibly even good. But all of it definitely happened.
‘Member when Denis Potvin called Daniel Sedin a lowlife? ‘Member when Jake Virtanan hung out with Bieber? ‘Member Beth Bartkowski?
All that and more in part one of the overly exhaustive, entirely too thorough Canucks year in review.
JANUARY
January 2 - With a 6-5 loss to the eventual gold medalist Finns, Jake Virtanen and Team Canada are eliminated from the 2016 World Junior Championships in the quarterfinals, ending a 17-year streak of making the semifinals. The first half of the game is the best he plays in the tournament, but in the second half, Virtanen takes three undisciplined and ill-timed penalties.
January 2 - Andrey Pedan is the surprise star of the Canucks SuperSkills competition, winning the hardest shot and the fastest skater competitions, though the latter wasn’t without controversy.
January 4 - Bo Horvat scores his first goal of 2016 in a loss to the Arizona Coyotes. It’s the start of a six-game scoring streak. He scores 7 goals and 12 points in 12 games in January and leads the Canucks in scoring in 2016 with 24 goals and 55 points in 82 games.
January 4 - In the same game, Daniel Sedin loses four teeth after Mark Stone swatted a puck directly into his face. His mouth was gross but he returned to the game, because of course he did.
January 8 - Jim Benning sends the 29th overall pick in the 2011 draft, Nicklas Jensen, to the Rangers for the 29th overall pick in the 2010 draft, Emerson Etem. I get complete my Benning trade bingo card: trading away a younger Mike Gillis pick for an older former Medicine Hat Tiger and adding a pick to the deal.
January 10 - The Canucks make an official announcement that they’re trying to trade Chris Higgins, which is a super-weird thing to do. With no takers, the Canucks eventually just waive him. He clears waivers, plays in Utica for a while, then gets called back up to the Canucks to end the season, then gets bought out. What a clustercuss.
January 11 - After scoring the overtime gamewinner against the Florida Panthers, Daniel Sedin gave the Panthers bench (and Shawn Thornton in particular) an epic staredown. That led to a bench-clearing “brawl” and Denis Potvin calling Daniel Sedin a “lowlife” and weirdly saying that the Sedins use their fingers to “lick their peanut butter off their bread,” which doesn’t make a lick of sense biologically, gastronomically, or insultologically.
January 13 - In a press release from the Florida Panthers, Denis Potvin apologizes for his comments, saying that his words “came out wrong.” What he meant to say was that the Sedins use their fingers to lick their Kalles off of their bread.
January 14 - Willie Desjardins starts Derek Dorsett on the top line with the Sedins. When the Canucks need a goal in the third period, Desjardins takes Radim Vrbata off the Horvat line, not to reunite him with the Sedins, but to put him with Brandon Prust and Adam Cracknell. My sanity shatters into a million pieces.
January 17 - Henrik Sedin is knocked out of a game against the New York Islanders by a dirty hit from behind by Mikael Grabovski. Henrik misses four games with the injury. Grabovski misses none because the Department of Player Safety decides the game misconduct he received was basically the same thing as a suspension.
January 18 - The Canucks release this video of Alex Burrows meeting his biggest fan. It is delightful.
January 19 - Jake Virtanen was going to play against the Rangers on the 19th, then suddenly he was scratched, and former Ranger Brandon Prust was put into the lineup. This ignited a massive and completely overblown controversy.
January 19 - The Canucks give up 49 shots against the Rangers, the fourth straight game allowing 40+ shots. They win two of those games and pick up a point against the Rangers with an overtime loss. Later in the month they lose to the Nashville Predators while giving up just 19 shots because hockey doesn’t make any sense.
January 21 - Daniel Sedin sets the franchise record for goals with the game winner over the Boston Bruins. It’s a great moment for a wonderful lowlife.
January 21 - During the game against the Bruins, Chris Tanev gets checked from behind into the boards. Because it’s Boston, the boards cruelly mock him while he lies injured on the ice.
January 22 - With the win over the Bruins, The Canucks have points in eight of their first ten games of 2016, putting them in playoff position. In fact, they’re the only Canadian team in a playoff position, leading Harrison to ask if the Canucks are Canada’s only hope. They promptly lose eight of their next ten games.
January 31 - While team captain John Scott was the story of All-Star weekend and won the MVP award, Daniel Sedin was the unsung hero for the Pacific Division.
FEBRUARY
February 1 - The Canucks sign Alex Biega to a two-year extension, which conveniently is the length of contract needed for him to fulfill one of the requirements for the expansion draft.
February 2 - The Brandon Prust era comes to a close, as the Canucks waive the fourth liner. He scores 7 points in 9 games with the Utica Comets before he ends his season to focus on rehabbing an ankle injury he suffered earlier in the season.
February 6 - Dan Hamhuis returns to the lineup after having surgery to repair his broken jaw suffered in December. Yannick Weber gets waived to make room for Hamhuis. Between Daniel losing teeth, Hamhuis getting his jaw broken, and Brandon Sutter later breaking his jaw, it was a bad season for pucks in the face.
February 8 - Thatcher Demko sets the single season shutout record for Boston College, passing Cory Schneider.
February 9 - The annual mom’s road trip kicks off with a win over the Colorado Avalanche. Not wanting to disappoint their mothers, the Canucks win every game on the mom’s road trip. Unfortunately, it’s just two games long.
February 9 - Or maybe the moms are bad luck, as Alex Edler breaks his leg and Brandon Sutter breaks his face during the game.
February 10 - The highlight of the win over the Avalanche is actually the moms themselves, particularly Beth Bartkowski, who turned into a minor celebrity with her exclamations in an interview with Dan Murphy during the game and later in a radio interview with TSN 1040. She almost makes a full season of her son on the Canucks worth it. Almost.
February 11 - There are rumblings that Steve Stamkos will come to Vancouver. Canucks nation collectively freaks out about the possibility. It definitely doesn’t happen.
February 13 - The skate logo returns on retro jersey night, but the Canucks sully the logo’s good name with a disastrously bad performance against the terrible Maple Leafs. Thomas Drance called it their “worst performance of the season.” There’s just one solution: entirely new jerseys.
February 19 - The Canucks lose their fourth straight game by a 5-2 score, which has never happened before in NHL history and will never happen again. This embarrassing losing streak comes immediately after Jim Benning suggests the Canucks will make a playoff push and insinuates they’ll be buyers at the trade deadline.
February 22 - Surprising everyone, the Canucks trade one of their best forward prospects, Hunter Shinkaruk, to the Calgary Flames for Markus Granlund. Jim Benning is ripped for the trade at the time, though early returns look good for the Canucks, as Granlund has established himself in the Canucks lineup while Shinkaruk is back in the AHL with the Stockton Heat, who are led in scoring by none other than Linden Vey.
February 24 - At the annual Dice and Ice event, the Canucks rookies were put through a lip sync battle. Ben Hutton comes out and slays Aqua’s seminal classic “Barbie Girl,” thereby making the entire miserable season worth it.
February 24 - The Canucks make a trade for the rights of Philip Larsen from the Edmonton Oilers, as he is in the midst of a great season in the KHL. Meanwhile, Bob McKenzie gets wind of the players the Canucks have made available to trade, none of whom are likely to garner much in the way of offers. Shockingly, nobody wants the contents of the Canucks junk drawer.
February 25 - The Canucks defeat the Senators in a game that has a series of unlikely events: Matt Bartkowski and Emerson Etem both score two goals, Chris Tanev takes a minor penalty, and Jake Virtanen scores a power play goal.
February 26 - Daniel (Wagner, not Sedin) outlines six ways the Canucks could screw up the trade deadline. You won’t believe how accurate number six was!
February 29 - Incredibly, the trade deadline comes and goes without a single move from the Canucks. Benning fails to get anything for pending UFAs Dan Hamhuis and Radim Vrbata, nor for any their other players on the block. They don’t even paper any of their young players to make them eligible for the AHL playoffs. It’s almost as if Benning forgot it was a leap year and was waiting for March 1st.
MARCH
March 2 - Several Canucks are named to their respective teams for the World Cup of Hockey and we couldn’t care less.
March 3 - The best “pump-up” video of the year is released: this Canucks/Friends mashup:
March 4 - Trevor Linden and Jim Benning are in damage control mode at the annual town hall meeting for season ticket holders, attempting to explain why they couldn’t get a deal done at the trade deadline and justify their approach to rebuilding the franchise. The entire night feels like an exercise in doublespeak, particularly when Linden claims they knew the Canucks weren’t a playoff team heading into the season, despite numerous times they said the exact opposite.
March 7 - A week after the NHL trade deadline, the Canucks finally make a move, sending Dane Fox to the Carolina Hurricanes for future considerations. Seemingly unrelated (but probably totally related), the Hurricanes loan T.J. Hensick to the Utica Comets in exchange for Blair Jones being loaned to the Charlotte Checkers.
March 8 - The Canucks officially sign “freak” Nikita Tryamkin.
March 11 - Jake Virtanen hangs out with Justin Bieber after his concert in Vancouver and posts some pictures of the meetup to Instagram. Since it’s the night before a game, some people suggest this irresponsible behaviour and becomes a go-to reference for anyone wanting to complain about Virtanen’s immaturity. Not long after, Virtanen’s Twitter and Instagram go private.
March 16 - Nikita Tryamkin makes his Canucks debut and he also records his first point, an assist on the Canucks’ lone goal. Bam! Lived up to the hype!
March 17 - Thatcher Demko is named the Hockey East Player of the Year.
March 19 - The Canucks host a group of young Syrian refugees at their game against the St. Louis Blues, introducing many of them to hockey for the first time. They then proceed to give up 50 shots for just the 9th time in franchise history.
March 19 - The ugly loss leads Daniel Sedin to rip his teammates for their lack of effort. Some people take the comments as Daniel wanting out of Vancouver, which is a dumb take. So dumb.
March 22 - As had been rumoured all season, the Canucks sign Swedish Hockey League MVP Anton Rodin for a second stint in North America. Rodin spends the off-season rehabbing a knee injury and has played just one game for the Canucks so far.
March 24 - With his opening goal against the Nashville Predators, Bo Horvat breaks the Canucks’ franchise-record goalless drought at 234:52. The Canucks were shutout for three straight games.
March 27 - A seemingly meaningless loss to the Chicago Blackhawks actually has devastating consequences: the Canucks have the crap mantle! It suddenly becomes essential that they stop tanking and win at least one more game before the end of the season.
March 28 - Dan Hamhuis is named the Canucks’ nominee for the Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy after battling back from his brutal broken jaw.
March 29 - Jake Virtanen hits Roman Polak late and from the blindside, earning himself a game misconduct and a two-game suspension. If it seems a little harsh considering there was no injury on the play and similarly-late hits like the one that just forced Jannik Hansen to miss 4-6 weeks earned no suspension, you’re not wrong. But it’s also the type of hit that we want to get out of the game, so the lack of complaints from the Canucks makes sense.
March 31 - For the first time in his career, Jannik Hansen hits the 20-goal mark. More importantly, the Canucks pass the crap mantle off to the San Jose Sharks.
APRIL
April 1 - Emerson Etem scores a goal against his former team, the Anaheim Ducks, starting a five-game point streak to finish the season, scoring four goals.
April 4 - 79 games in, the Canucks finally earn their first three-game winning streak of the season. Like courage, it couldn’t come at a worse time, taking a bite out of their odds of winning the first overall pick.
April 6 - The Canucks are in Edmonton for the final game in Rexall Place, which is apparently a really big deal, because the Oilers go completely over-the-top with both the pomp and the circumstance.
April 7 - Nikita Tryamkin scores his first goal for the Canucks in a game against the Calgary Flames. His shot deflects in off Hunter Shinkaruk’s stick, which means it’s also Shinkaruk’s first goal for the Canucks! The future is bright, Canucks fans!
April 10 - The 2015-16 season finally, mercifully comes to an end. But the final game of the season goes to overtime and then a long shootout, just to prolong the agony.
April 11 - With the season over, Yannick Weber and Chris Higgins open up about the frustration of finding out your team doesn’t think as highly of you as they once did. Meanwhile, Trevor Linden opens up about Henrik Sedin’s broken finger, despite the captain saying he was 100% healthy to end the season.
April 13 - The Canucks sign Troy Stecher to an entry-level contract out of college immediately after Daniel writes that they should. Signing the greatest athlete of all time is the best thing the Canucks have ever done.
April 20 - Thatcher Demko signs with the Canucks, easing fears that he might return to college and use the “Get Out of Vancouver Free” loophole in the CBA. The signing comes one day after Daniel told Canucks fans not to worry about him signing.
April 26 - The Canucks re-sign Markus Granlund to a completely reasonable two-year contract.
April 29 - Michael Garteig signs with the Canucks. Like Troy Stecher, Michael Garteig was a member of the record-breaking 2011-12 Penticton Vees and an invite to the Canucks’ 2014 prospect development camp.
April 30 - The Canucks lose the draft lottery, falling to the fifth overall pick, because numbers hate the Canucks. But it’s okay, because fifth overall is totally better than first overall.
MAY
May 6 - The World Championship kicks off in Russia, with several Canucks taking part: Chris Tanev, Ben Hutton, Jacob Markstrom, Jannik Hansen, and Yannick Weber. Markus Granlund gets removed from Team Finland just prior to the start of the tournament when other, better players become available. Such as his own brother.
May 7 - Brock Boeser takes Baylee Bjorge, a UND hockey fan with Down syndrome, to prom, further confirming that he is the best ever.
May 13 - As Nick Bonino plays a major role in the Pittsburgh Penguins’ march to the Stanley Cup, an old PITB parody gets new life: “Holding Out For Bonino.” The hook of “I need Bonino” goes viral on Pittsburgh radio and social media.
May 16 - The Canucks sign Yan-Pavel Laplante! Huge deal!
May 22 - Chris Tanev and Ben Hutton take home World Championship gold as Canada beats Finland 2-0 in the final. Tanev was one of Canada’s best players and was a leader as the oldest player on the blue line for Canada and barely left the ice as Canada defended their lead, while Hutton spent most of his time on the bench or in the press box as the seventh or eighth defenceman. Thatcher Demko takes home bronze despite never playing.
May 25 - Jim Benning trades Jared McCann, along with 2nd and 4th round picks, for Erik Gudbranson and a 5th round pick. The analytics crowd hates the move, as McCann has top-six potential and Gudbranson’s possession numbers are ugly as sin, but when you put his analytics in context, well, they are still pretty ugly, but give some reason for hope.
May 27 - Luca Sbisa is added to Team Europe for the World Cup and nope, still don’t care.
May 30 - Canuck great and blog namesake Jan Bulis retires from professional hockey, citing wanting to spend more time with his family. Harrison and Daniel go into a time of mourning.
May 31 - In the annual tradition of excoriating a player after he has been traded, Andrey Pedan says he never got along with Jared McCann, saying he acted like a “lonely star.” Makes sense that they had to get rid of McCann, because you’d hate for Pedan to feel unwelcome in Vancouver.
JUNE
June 14 - The Canucks sign Dan Cloutier as their new goaltender coach, sending Rollie Melanson to Utica to coach the Canucks’ goaltending prospects.
June 16 - The Canucks re-sign Sven Baertschi to a two-year, $3.7 million extension.
June 17 - The Calgary Flames hire Canucks’ assistant Glen Gulutzan as their new head coach.
June 20 - The Canucks qualify RFAs Andrey Pedan, Alexandre Grenier, and Mike Zalewski, but not Linden Vey.
June 22 - At the NHL Awards, Henrik Sedin is given the King Clancy Memorial Trophy for his leadership and contributions to the community. Henrik is given the award by Mark Messier, but when he lists past Canucks captains that “set the standard,” he doesn’t mention Messier. It’s kind of amazing.
June 24 - Heading into the draft, it’s thought that the Canucks are targeting centre Pierre-Luc Dubois with the fifth overall pick. When the Columbus Blue Jackets surprise everyone and pick Dubois third overall, all predictions are thrown out the window. The Canucks instead take defenceman Olli Juolevi, thought by many to be the best defenceman in the draft.
June 25 - In the third round of the draft, the Canucks select William Lockwood, who is having a solid freshman season for the University of Michigan. In the fifth round, they take defenceman Cole Candella, 19-year-old Jakob Stukel in the sixth round, and in the seventh round, 20-year-old Rodrigo Abols and 19-year-old Brett Mckenzie.
June 27 - The Canucks re-sign Emerson Etem to a one-year contract that is curiously cheaper than what his qualifying offer would have been. Etem takes a discount for a one-way contract.
June 28 - The NHL fines Jim Benning and the Canucks $50,000 for speaking about his interest in P.K. Subban and Steven Stamkos in an interview with TSN 1040.
*If I've forgotten anything noteworthy that happened in the first six months of 2016, please let me know in the comments below.
