It’s Back to the Future Day, one of those made up Internet holidays, like May the Fourth [be with you], that’s really just an excuse for everyone to post about a movie we all like. A quick primer on how we got here: in Back to the Future II, Marty McFly and Doc Brown go thirty years into the future, to October 21, 2015. That’s today.
We used to do these holidays ironically, just briefly pretending they were real things -- that everyone truly cared to spend the whole day talking about a movie because of the coincidental date in the sequel. But that was before the clickbait era, when the spike in “Back to the Future” Google searches meant that brands had to get involved, and every website surviving on clicks had to have some sort of B2TF-themed content.
My apologies if I seem cynical about this. I’m really not, since I LOVE BACK TO THE FUTURE. It’s in my top five. Heck, it’s the populist pick that keeps my top five from seeming pretentious and off-putting. All my other picks are snooty art movies. Back to the Future humanizes me, and thus, Back to the Future Day is the best Internet holiday. I want to play.
There’s a problem, though. This is a Canucks blog, and the Canucks don’t share a lot of common ground with Back to the Future. There’s that NHL.com video where Henrik Sedin talks about what sporting event’s outcome he’d change if he had a time machine -- you’ll never guess what Stanley Cup Final he picks -- but that’s about it for B2TF/Canucks crossover.
Unless… we recast the film with members of this year’s Canucks.
Bo Horvat as Marty McFly
It seems downright wrong to recast Marty McFly, but there’s precedent: Marty was originally to be played by Eric Stoltz, but after five weeks of shooting, the filmmakers realized he wasn’t funny and replaced him with Michael J. Fox. (Interestingly, it got Marty’s girlfriend replaced too, as Melora Hardin, who would later play Jan on The Office, was deemed too tall for Fox and replaced with Jennifer Wells, who herself would be replaced by Elisabeth Shue in the second film.)
So now I’m replacing Mr. J. Fox with Mr. Horvat.
Call him Borty.
Horvat will make a good Marty McFly. Like the film’s lead, Horvat is young and he’s a two-way guy (McFly goes both back and forward in time). Admittedly, I could have picked one of the Canucks’ two teenagers, since Marty is a teenager, but Michael J. Fox was 24 when he took on the role, so I think there’s some wiggle room with the age. Plus, at this point, I think Horvat is the only Canuck (save Jannik Hansen, who would make a terrible Marty) capable of hitting 88 miles per hour.
Daniel and Henrik Sedin as Docs Brown
That’s right. This time, Doc Brown has a twin. His name is also Doc Brown.
This role calls for a Sedin. Doc Brown is supposed to be a scientist, but he can’t even pronounce “gigawatt”, and the flux capacitor appears to run on a lethal combination of plutonium and magic. He’s basically a mad wizard, which makes him the perfect role for the wizardous Sedin twins.
I can just see them in the lab, cycling ideas around, playing keepaway from the laws of science, saucer-passing beakers and blueprints to one another as they solve the mysteries of time, and shouting “Great Scott!”
They'd say "Great Scott" twice as many times, and I'd argue that's still not enough times.
Luca Sbisa as Biff Tannen
I know, I know. You think this should be one of the punchers. Heck, it’s a wonder that neither Derek Dorsett nor Brandon Prust have the nickname “Biff” already. (Mind you, the Canucks’ nickname game has never been on point. They’re calling Jake Virtanen “Big Country”.) But Dorsett and Prust are too likable to play Biff (who was, I kid you not, inspired by Donald Trump).
We need someone the audience can root against. And I think we both know who the natural foe of this fanbase is at the moment. Plus, 2:10 of this clip is pretty close to what it looks like when Sbisa is trying to move the puck out of his own end.
Jannik Hansen as George McFly
This was the toughest one. I thought about Alex Edler for a moment, thinking his reluctance to say much of anything might make him the right choice to play the nebbish and soft-spoken George McFly. But Edler’s too cool. Same goes for Chris Tanev. We need someone a little jumpier. Someone with a higher, stranger voice.
Enter Jannik Hansen.
"Like, uh, Hey Biff, get your damn hands, uh, off her."
Like George McFly, Hansen isn’t known for his hands, but he seems to generate a lot of chances to use them -- George punches two dudes at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. Two dudes!
Plus, if there’s anyone I want to hear say, “Lorraine, my density has popped me to you,” it’s him.
In closing, I think the Canucks should abandon this individualized goal song nonsense and do what Back to the Future did: let Huey Lewis and the News handle it.
