Skip to content
Join our Newsletter

Dreck the Halls with the unusual, strange and just plain wrong

Vancouver Courier digs deep with its annual gift guide

For the 11th year in a row, the Courier has scoured the streets of Vancouver and the lonely recesses of the Internet in search of Christmas gift ideas that are unusual, strange and just plain wrong. Not surprisingly, Star Wars items weigh heavily in this year’s guide, as do various forms of inappropriate undergarments and jewelry to hide your cat’s anus. Yes, it’s a wonderful life.  



 

Schauma Shampoo
$6.99 at European Specialty’s Importers Ltd., 220 Prior St., europeanspecialityfoods.com
Say what you will about Germans, but they are a nice-smelling people. And Schauma shampoo can take some of the credit. At least that’s what I’m assuming from the dude on the bottle whose eyes are penetrating my soul like an acetylcholine torch. Plus the ingredients list reads like an Einstürzende Neubauten album. In a word: sweet.

Schauma Shampoo



Chewbacca Kaleidoscope
$12 at Front and Co., 3772 Main St., frontandcompany.com
Not to be confused with the similarly shaped Chewbacca Thermos or the Chewbacca Flesh Light (I just made that up), the Chewbacca Kaleidoscope manages to look cute and creepy at the same time. Sadly, users don’t get any closer to understanding the inner workings of a wookie, their fur-lined hopes or dreams — just those plastic bead patterns that only amuse dumb five-year-olds and people who are super high.

Chewbacca

Polaroll
$30 at Front and Co.
Add some unnecessary retro panache to your bathroom duties beyond a decade’s worth of mildew and gunge with this replica Polaroid camera that dispenses toilet paper instead of photos. Why the makers of this technological marvel decided against the Easy-Bake Oven or cassette tape toilet paper dispenser will go down as one of humankind’s greatest mysteries.

Polaroll



Captain Ketchup
$14 at Front and Co.
Putting ketchup on just about every food item you shove down your chubby pie hole is nothing short of heroic, so why not give this noble condiment the squeeze bottle it deserves. There’s even one of these laser gun gizmos for mustard. But not for mayonnaise, obviously, because mayo is gross and so are the people who eat it.

Captain Ketchup



Bear Hands Oven Mitts
$24 at Front and Co.
You’ve been described as a bear in the bedroom — an epileptic koala bear, mind you, but still a bear. Now you can add “kitchen” to your, ahem, “bearea” of expertise with these somewhat heat resistant casserole clutchers. Best of all, the light beige exterior is nearly the same colour as a spirit bear, whose paws make pretty crappy oven mitts. Or so I’ve been told.   

Bear Hands Oven Mitts



Ninja Bib
$16 at Front and Co.
Dress your little dream-killer in one of these adorable bibs that will look like a ninja outfit for 30 whole seconds before getting covered in food, drool, vomit and other forms of baby grossness.  

Ninja Bib



Chill, Baby Moustache Pacifier
$12 at Front and Co.
For anyone who’s ever brought their baby to a craft brewery but felt they weren’t doing enough to assimilate them into the plaid-shirted landscape, this moustache pacifier does the trick. “Quality-molded” from nontoxic plastic and baby-grade silicone, it also distracts onlookers from the botched homemade anchor tattoo you attempted to carve into little Dalton or Ruby’s doughy forearm, which would have looked so cool it they hadn’t squirmed. 

Chill, Baby Moustache Pacifier

 

Vancouver Neighbourhood Scented Candles

$35 at Walrus, 3408 Cambie St., shop.walrushome.com
Named after and inspired by various parts of Vancouver, these artisanal candles from Vancouver Candle Co. are scented “to celebrate each neighbourhood’s individuality.” For instance, Fairview boasts grapefruit, peach and red currant fragrances while Gastown sports a more gritty, yet urine-free scent of leather, tobacco, amber and black pepper. Other hoods include Point Grey, Kitsilano, Mount Pleasant, Strathcona and the North Shore. Disappointed there’s no Marpole scented candle? Just crack a Molson Canadian and smoke a menthol cigarette and you’ll get the same effect. Oh snap.

Vancouver Neighbourhood Scented Candles



Vancouver Police Dog Squad Pink T-shirt
$9.99 (half price!) at Vancouver Police Museum, 240 East Cordova St., vancouverpolicemuseum.ca
Finally, there is a gift that says “I love you, but my inability to express emotions prevents me from saying it with actual words, so please accept this half-priced pink T-shirt adorned with a VPD police dog. You like dogs, right?”

Vancouver Police Dog Squad Pink T-shirt


 
Second Careers for Street Cops by John Eldridge
$22.46 at Vancouver Police Museum
A former member of the VPD for 26 years who went on to work for those crazy mofos at WorkSafe B.C., John Eldridge at least knows his audience and organizes his self-help book much like a crime investigation. Chapters include “Assess the Situation,” “Gather Facts,” “Identify a Person of Interest.” Arresting stuff. Boom! That said, I found it troubling that Eldridge didn’t put “It would be a crime not to read this book” on the cover. Such a missed opportunity.  

Second Careers for Street Cops by John Eldridge



Milk Chocolate VPD Police Badge
$1.50 at Vancouver Police Museum
The marketing team behind the VPD’s swag output is really thinking outside the box with these babies. Made with sugar, milk powder, cocoa butter, cocoa mass, soy lecithin, vanilla and a hint of justice, Chocolate Police Badge is also the name for a certain unsavoury act in my hometown of Nanaimo. Let’s just leave it at that.

Milk Chocolate VPD Police Badge

    

Vancouver City Morgue Forensic Sciences Coffee Mug
$17.99 at Vancouver Police Museum
Autopsies and caffeine go hand-in-hand with the Vancouver City Morgue coffee mug. Going out on a limb here, but this might not make the greatest gift for anyone you’re planning on sleeping with on a semi-regular basis.

Vancouver City Morgue Forensic Sciences Coffee Mug

   

Pot Smokers Activity Book
$22.95 at Signed & Sealed, 1988 West Fourth Ave., signedsealeddelivered.ca
There’s more to the life of a stoner than playing endless hours of Candy Crush, holding a Hostess Twinkie to your ear as you squeeze it to determine what sound it makes and lying down in the shower, pretending you’re sleeping in an Amazonian rain forest. How about “weedoku puzzles”? Or “toker poker”? Or “high-ku poetry”? Or stoner crossword puzzles? Or how about naming your next band Merlin’s Wizard, because, think about it — Merlin is a wizard, right, but who would be Merlin’s wizard? Woah.

Pot Smokers Activity Book

 

Han Solo in Carbonite Ice Cube Tray
$19.95 at Signed & Sealed
Every nerd knows that Han Solo getting frozen in carbonite in Empire Strikes Back was one of the bleakest endings to any Star Wars movie, notwithstanding the continued survival of Jar Jar Binks and Mark Hamill’s post-Return of the Jedi acting career. Now you can share that bleakness in the form of a nifty ice cube tray fashioned after our rascally hero’s frozen body. And when that special someone says “I love you” after opening their ice cube tray gift, it’ll give you the opportunity to pull a Han Solo and reply, “I know.” And by special someone, I mean your mom. Who are we trying to kid here.

Han Solo in Carbonite Ice Cube Tray

Men Ruin Stuff/Sock Whore Socks
$13.95 at Signed & Sealed
It’s true. Men do ruin stuff. Particularly half the players in my underachieving hockey pool… I’m looking at you Jonathan Drouin. And what better way to say it and express your sock “whorish” ways than with 50 per cent combed cotton, 47 per cent nylon and three per cent spandex.

Men Ruin Stuff

    

Kama Sutra Dice
$7.95 at Signed & Sealed
Tired of the old bedroom routine of three minutes of pleasure followed by a good half-hour cry and taking inventory of all your past choices in life? Try rolling these Kama Sutra Dice to spice things up and give you and your partner some new positional ideas.
You also might want to stop using the Barenaked Ladies as your sexual soundtrack. Just a suggestion.

Kama Sutra Dice

    

Dreamy Trudeau Sweater
$59.99 at shelfies.com
Although Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s star will inevitably fade, you can let Canada’s golden boy shine forever, or at least until it shrinks in the dryer, with this sweater of mind-altering awesomeness. Sure it’s a little disheartening that sexy Ed Broadbent has never been depicted on a sweater riding horseback or shirtless on a moose, but dare to dream.

Dreamy Trudeau Sweater



Table Topics
$35.02 at uncommongoods.com
Take the hassle out of thinking on your own or communicating naturally thanks to Table Topics’ stack of 135 “conversation starters” that you leave on your coffee table and pull out during awkward lulls around family, friends or dates. Nothing weird about that, right. Topics include “Which of your past hairstyles gives you a chuckle?” “What are your two favourite movies?” and “Could you take your dad in a fight?” I may have made that last one up. In case you’re wondering, my answers to the aforementioned table topics would be: Brian Bosworth flattop in Grade 10, Weekend at Bernie’s and Gandhi, and probably.

Table Topics,

    

Personalized Mixtape Pillow
$81.25 at uncommongoods.com
If having a pillow fashioned after a cassette tape of old wasn’t precious enough, imagine having that cassette tape pillow personalized with your name, your sweetheart’s or the title of one of your old mixtapes. Mind you, who wants to sleep with their head resting on “Bootsauce Rocks!” or “Boyz II Men’s Slow and Easy Hump Jamz”?

Personalized Mixtape Pillow



Hummingbird Mask Feeder
$79.95 at heatstick.com.
Although the name sounds like a Guided by Voices album, Hummingbird Mask Feeder is, in fact, a wearable bird feeder that allows users to witness the majesty of nature up close while enjoying the quiet self-reflection that comes with prolonged celibacy.

Hummingbird Mask Feeder,

 

Golden Girl Granny Panties
$164.81 for a pack of three at etsy.com
Whether you’re a Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia or Rose, nothing says “thank you for being a friend” quite like a pair of hand-sewn granny panties adorned with your favourite character from The Golden Girls. Just don’t hold your breath for any Cagney and Lacey themed gaunch. That would be ridiculous.

Golden Girl Granny Panties



Cheeseburger Ball Gag
$68.66 at etsy.com
The smell of pickles and mustard turns you on, you find the authoritative Burger King mascot rather fetching and your safe word is “hold the mayo.” The next logical step is getting your submissive chompers on a hand-crafted Cheeseburger Ball Gag. Plus it’s fashioned out of high-quality leather, food-grade silicone and nickel-plated hardware, so you can rest assured that you’re not dealing with one of those cheap knock-off Cheeseburger Ball Gags flooding the ball gag market.

Cheeseburger Ball Gag



Pizza Bikini
$32 at pyknic.com
I have a blurry recollection of seeing Pizza Bikini play an all-ages show in the basement of an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese way back in 1997, opening for Hummingbird Mask Feeder and Cheeseburger Ball Gag. It was intense. Mind you, not as intense as a bathing suit top or bottom that looks like it’s covered in piping hot pepperoni and melted cheese. But still pretty intense.

Pizza Bikini

 

Canucks High Heel Christmas Ornament
$8.99 shop.nhl.com
I can’t tell if this high heel Christmas ornament is a sexist comment on the Canucks’ lack of grit or a sign that the NHL’s marketing department doesn’t understand its female fan base. Maybe it’s both.

Canucks High Heel Christmas Ornament

   

Canucks Bikini Lace Thong
$19.99 at shop.nhl.com
Say what you will about the Canucks’ porous defence and lack of second-line scoring, at least they’re sophisticated enough to have their own bikini lace thong made out of 65 per cent polyester and 35 per cent rayon. In your face, Vancouver Canadians.

Canucks Bikini Lace Thong



Canucks Ponytail Holder
$8.99 at shop.nhl.com
It’s hard to say what’s more surprising — that a Canucks Ponytail Holder exists in the first place or that the team doesn’t also sell banana clips and scrunchies.

Canucks Ponytail Holder



Canucks Wedge Sandals
$28.99 at shop.nhl.com
I’m guessing if you are wearing these sandals or find yourself hanging out with someone who wears these sandals, chances are you are at the Roxy and will be waking up in the morning with a Baja Rosa hangover and a lifetime of regret.

Canucks Wedge Sandals



Canucks Toaster
$34.99 at shop.nhl.com
Using the pickup line, “How do you like your toast in the morning?” has gotten you laid exactly zero times. Having the ability to burn the NHL logo into said toast with a toaster shaped like a hockey puck isn’t likely to change that. But at least it will dampen the dull thud of reality that slaps you in the face on a daily basis.

Canucks Toaster

     

Catnip Fortune Cookies
$26.96 at uncommongoods.com
Filled with organic catnip — is there any other kind? — these felt and fleece fortune cookies carry cat-themed fortunes such as “Your litter box will always be clean” and “Your future is fishy.” As an added bonus, they kind of look like teddy bear genitalia.

Catnip Fortune Cookies

Ewok Coin Purse
$20 leannalinswonderland.com
Made with plush and faux leather, the Ewok Coin Purse also means something altogether different in my hometown of Nanaimo.

Ewok Coin Purse

Star Wars R2-D2 Laundry Hamper
$19.99 at thinkgeek.com
This is the droid you’re looking for if you want a fun way to do laundry as you desperately await the new instalment of the Star Wars franchise. Too bad you rarely wash your clothes.

Star Wars R2-D2 Laundry Hamper

Flask Bracelet
$49.03 at uncommongoods.com
Finally an item of jewelry that combines fashion with alcoholism. The porcelain design lets boozers accessorize with a shot’s worth of their favourite spirits, and makes the prospect of swilling Fireball in a bathroom stall during your kid’s never-ending Christmas concert not quite as sad.

flask bracelet

Twinkle Tush
$6.99 at twinkletush.com
Arguably the worst thing about owning a cat — besides cleaning up their kitty litter and their cruel ability to withhold love — is the frequent sight of their butt. Twinkle Tush aims to rectify, or should I say “rectum-fy,” this wrong by placing a jewel over the offending area and turning your cat’s behind into a beguiling piece of bling. The way nature intended.

twinkletush

 

mkissinger@vancourier.com
@MidlifeMan1