Craft beer fandom is essentially the search for the best beer in the world. But while we twist ourselves in to tizzies trying to find it, no one’s bothered to learn what the absolute worst is.
Well I have. Last weekend, my wife, two friends and I did a taste test to determine what’s the lousiest beer available in BC liquor stores. The tasting group included two men, both avid beer enthusiasts, and two women, not. The setting: my in-laws’ house in Comox.
We stuck with macro or pedestrian lagers only. We chose 13 beers that a) we considered shitty enough for inclusion in our research and b) were available in single cans, which was important because none of us wanted to spend extra money on six packs that we’d just throw away in the end. This means Kokanee, Blue, Coors Light and Lucky – though exceptionally lousy beers – weren’t considered in our research because the liquor store we purchased the beer didn’t sell them in singles. Oh well.
All beers were tasted in alphabetical order, then ranked using a point system that we made up on the fly: taste, after-taste and sessionability were all given scores between 0 (“the worst tasting thing of all time”) and 5 (“drinkable, if nothing else was available”). All scores were reached by group consensus, then added up to create a score out of 15. The lowest scoring beer is deemed the worst.
Note: Though it’s possible a BC craft brewery has made the lousiest beer ever, we stuck to macro lagers because they are generally considered the worst beer anyway, and we needed to save time and money.
These are the beers we ranked, plus some thoughts on each:
Big Surf: Tastes like a cleaning chemical, like perhaps someone had spiked the can with Comet. Score: 5
Black Ice: Comes in an enormous tall can, the sort of thing low- (or no-) income alcoholics might spring for. Surprisingly inoffensive on the first sip, but by the fourth sip I’m close to barfing. Score: 9
Bud Light: The one beer I’d always considered an affront to brewing, but less offensive than I remember – if only because it’s tasteless, which I guess is offensive in a way. Still, easily the most drinkable of the brews so far, and we all agreed we could choke a few down at a baseball game or camping trip, without any serious repercussions. Score: 11
Budweiser: The Big One, “Brewed the Hard Way”. The kind of beer that can be enjoyed in a cold bottle, but turns quickly to monkey piss when sipped out of a can. Overall, rather crummy. Score: 8
Canadian: The (unfortunate) king of Canadian beers. I have years of experience with this beer that I’m bringing to the table, after countless episodes gagging on the warm, piss-y dregs that constitute the last half of any given can. Not as bad as some, but still really bad. Score: 7.5
Cariboo Lager: Why does it taste like metal? Score: 3
Colt 45: Nauseating smell. Shudders aplenty. My wife calls it “parking-lot beer.” Without question the worst thing I’ve put in my mouth in a long time, possibly ever. The taste of my own vomit is preferable. Score: 0
Islander: Compared to Colt 45, it’s a dream. It’s watery and resembles Kokanee in more than just the can. An OK surprise. Score: 10
Old Milwaukie: An old go-to. Many a Friday night I’ve spent putting back a 12-case and a pack of smokes in hazy East Vancouver apartments. So, yeah….fond memories here. Easily the most drinkable of the bunch and not nearly as bad as everyone claims (though definitely not great). Score: 13
Pabst Blue Ribbon: Nowhere close to terrible, given the context. It’s fine. Whatever. Score: 10
Pacific Kolsch: A nice surprise – better than some craft beer I’ve tasted, in fact. Not bad. Not bad at all. Score: 12
TNT Lager: I’m scared of it. It’s dark gold, the colour of unhealthy urine. Smells kind of like it, too. If the End Times had a taste, this would be it. Score: 1
Wildcat: Arguments abound on this one. I think it’s absolutely rancid. Others think it’s perfectly acceptable beer. Goes great with thrifted Taiga jackets and severe bouts of depression. Score: 9.
There you have it: Colt 45 is without question the worst beer we tried, and by the power vested in me by God and man, the worst beer available in BC. If you need to drink it, well, heaven help you.
