Do you beer what I beer? Brew-themed gift ideas for Christmas and beyond

What do you get the beer lover in your life for Christmas, besides a gym membership? Thankfully, the dark, lonely recesses of the Internet offer plenty of sudsy options — from questionable drinking devices and hoppy fashions, to clever koozie technology and an assortment of beer-themed Canucks paraphernalia for deadening the pain.

 

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Dad Bag

The ironic fetishization of “dad bod” has been arguably the greatest thing to happen to male craft beer drinkers since double chin-hiding beards and bald spot-concealing baseball hats. The Dad Bag goes one step further by reclaiming the long-mocked utilitarian glory of fanny packs combined with the illusion of having a beer gut. What if you already have said beer gut? Then you’re just twice as sexy. $15.99 at TheDadBag.com

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The Dadbag is probably one of the weirdest fanny packs on the market. - Contributed

Canucks Authentic Game Used Bottle Openers

More expensive than a lower bowl seat at Rogers Arena, these official NHL endorsed bottle openers are crafted from authentic hockey pucks that slipped past Jacob Markstrom and pieces of broken hockey sticks from many a whiffed slap shot. Failure never tasted so refreshing. $95 at NHLShop.ca

 

Canucks Hockey Sweater Koozie

If you ask me, a beer bottle adorned with a knitted beer koozie looks a lot like an uncircumcised penis, even though as a child of the ’70s I have not seen very many of them. That said, this koozie features insulated neoprene, “unique knit construction” and can expand to fit most cans and bottles up to two litres, so you can enjoy that chilled bottle of Rock-a-Berry cooler all night long. $9.99 at NHLShop.ca

 

Beer Cap Map

Who doesn’t enjoy geographically documenting the extent of their alcoholism? This stylized piece of plywood lets you map out your drinking adventures south of the border one bottle cap at a time. Prefer to keep track of your mead-drinking exploits? That’s what the notches on your broad sword are for whenever you go out LARPing. $43.70 at UncommonGoods.com

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If a paper map isn't ceremonious enough, try mapping your American drinking tours on the Beer Cap Map. - Contributed


Bottle Loft

Not to be confused with the half-million-dollar Mount Pleasant “micro-condo” you just saddled yourself with to enjoy “craft living” at its finest, Bottle Loft is a set of magnetic strips you attach to the roof of your fridge and hang bottles from. Why? Because with the size of your ridiculous mortgage payments this is the closest thing to entertainment you’ll be able to afford. $47.44 at UncommonGoods.com

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The Bottle Loft is a set of magnetic strips that attach to the roof of your fridge so you can hang your beer bottles. - Contributed


Beer Dress and Leggings

82 per cent polyester, 18 per cent elastane and 100 per cent inappropriate for your mom to wear, these Australian-made garments are not only barley positive but strangely alluring. Plus you can finally haul out you long-awaited pick-up line, “What’s your IBU?” Currently sold out at BlackMilkClothing.com

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What better outfit to wear at beer o'clock than the beer itself? - Contributed


Thirst Bat

Billed as an “iconic baseball bat and beer bong in one,” the unfortunately named ThirstBat Chugger is built to play ball while conveniently designed to speed up the consumption of delicious beer. Why not a ThirstRacquet Chugger for the tennis crowd or a ThirstJavelin Chugger for high school track and field teams? Well, that would be ridiculous. $44.99 at ThirstBat.com

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The ThirstBat Chugger costs $44.99. - Contributed


Shakoolie Shower Beer Koozie

If there is anything more life-affirming than drinking in the shower, I’ve yet to experience or remember it. That said, safe and convenient beverage storage has long remained the downside of such noble shower pursuits. Thankfully, the makers of Shakoolie Shower Beer Koozie have solved one of humankind’s great conundrums with this personal hygiene-minded drinking companion. But why they didn’t combine beer koozie and soap on a rope technology is beyond me. Such a missed opportunity. $9.97 at Shakoolie.com

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Got a university bro on your list? Try the Shakoolie Shower Beer Koozie. - Contributed


Floating Birthday Candle to Make Your Beer A Cake

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, especially when drinking a beer alone in gravy-stained sweatpants on your birthday. But don’t get stuck in your “emotional dojo.” Throw yourself a party of one with this floating candle, perfectly sized for that beer mug, stein or gallon jug.  Yes, you can have it all. $5.99 at PerpetualKid.com

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This floating birthday candle allows you to replace a birthday cake with a beer. - Contributed

 

• The Winter 2017 issue of the Growler is out now! You can find B.C.’s favourite craft beer guideat your favourite brewery, select private liquor stores, and on newsstands across the province.

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