In Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield’s book Seeking the Heart of Wisdom, “near-enemies” are states that are mistaken for desirable qualities, such as unconditional love, compassion and equanimity.
For example, the “near-enemy” of love is attachment or desire. It seems like the real thing but is quite the opposite, especially when one doesn’t get what one desires. It can then transform into jealousy, envy and anger.
The near-enemy of compassion — feeling connected to another through their suffering — is pity, which sets us apart from the other.
The near-enemy of equanimity is indifference.
The near-enemy personified in our lives is the “frenemy.” Frenemies are bad two-for-one deals. They may call themselves your friends but they may act more like your enemies, doing things they ought not do.
You might think that if you’re not a pre-teen or teenaged girl, you don’t have any frenemies but take a close look at the actions of a frenemy. You might be surprised that you yourself are your own worst frenemy.
- A frenemy puts you down. The most manipulative frenemies put you down behind your back. If you’re a frenemy to yourself, you might not even recognize the negative self-talk running in the background of your mind. Have you ever said, “I can’t do it,” “I’m a loser” or “Why should I even try?” When you catch yourself doing this, talk back to yourself — in a positive way. “I might make mistakes but that doesn’t make me a loser and the only way to move forward is to try new things, test my limits and learn.”
- A frenemy feeds your vices. I encourage my wife not to shop with friends who spend more than her. By comparison, they convince her that she hasn’t spent too much, and when she asks their opinion about buying yet another purse, they of course will agree and suggest buying two. If your friends smoke or exceed the healthy limit of two or three alcoholic drinks on any day, you are more likely to accept this as the norm and continue to harm your body. Do you rationalize your own excesses?
- A frenemy’s negative attitude is infectious. If you keep company with people who are critical and negative about everything in the world, your own thoughts and attitudes are likely to shift towards cynicism. This is a perfect set-up for unhappiness and discontent.
Could you be breeding negativity in your life with your own self-talk?
Make your mind your friend. Knowing that what you habitually think shapes what you see and how you feel, observe your own thoughts. Substitute unhelpful thoughts and attitudes with both realistic and positive ones. You could ask yourself, “Is this line of thinking helpful or not?”
What would you do if you recognized that a friend was really a backstabber and working against you? You’d probably break off your association.
You can’t really do that if you discover that the frenemy is yourself. But having become more mindful of your negative self-talk and how you have been sabotaging your own wellbeing, you can choose to act like your own best friend and do what is best for you.
Dr. Davidicus Wong is a family physician. For more on achieving your positive potential in health visit davidicuswong.wordpress.com.
