Promises are thought by some to be one of the most sacred commitments one person can make to another. At least this was once the case as this notion has been loosely defined today. Marriage is built on the promise to care and love each other for all the days of your partners life. But 49 per cent of the population decides to break their promise when they divorce. It makes you question whats a promise worth and the role it plays in wedding vows.
I was at a friends wedding last weekend ready for the traditional union and marriage vows. I can almost see it before it happens being at my fair share of weddings. I was surprised to hear the officiate pepper in comments of trust due to the lack of a prenuptial agreement and his general thoughts of what made a relationship work. The usual recipe consisted of trust, honesty, fidelity and perseverance. He closed the ceremony with a firm reminder that a loving marriage is one free of secrets between the spouses.
As I sat in what felt like a hot seat of proverbial rebellion against the tradition, I began to wonder what it means for the rest of us that dont necessarily buy into the concepts of the wedding vows. While I believe that trust, honesty, fidelity and perseverance are all generally great things, they denote a focus on perfection and the lack of it sends a strong message about your marriage. After all, people change and it doesnt always bring people together. Even the four pillars of relationship success may not be able to weather this storm.
Even prenuptial agreements received a blow when it came to wedding vows. While many believe that prenuptial agreements signal a lack of trust, it can also be a sign of being responsible (good news for all the Type A personalities out there). Separation brings along real life collateral damages which are left in the hands of two heartbroken spouses in emotional turmoil. At this point, a prenuptial agreement will give you the time and energy to rebuild a life instead of rummaging through the remains of your past.
I did also see the bigger concept behind marriage vows in that it instills a sense of hope for the couple. Marriage is a challenging task and perhaps the only way to weather the storm ahead is to believe and hope. The saying hope for the best but be prepared for the worse seem to ring true in applying the modern paradigm to the constitution of marriage. In this day in age, you cant even sign up for cable without the standard 50 page terms and conditions of commitment. Its only a matter of time that marriage would catch up with a legal document outlining what breaking a promise will cost you.
It may sound slightly cynical and unromantic to take away the fairytale promises of marriage but it may also be what saves your marriage when it comes to managing expectations.
While I hope to hear I promise to trust, honour, be faithful and persevere. If not, we move to plan B integrated into marriage vows, for now Ill have to settle for blind faith. Its not always a bad thing because we all once believed in fairytales.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
