Jack Knox: Dr. Romance is in to cure your relationship woes

Jack Knox’s column will not appear today. It being Valentine’s Day, he has relinquished this space to relationship adviser Dr. Romance.

Dear Dr. Romance

This morning my wife gave me a significant look and said: “It’s Feb. 14. Does that mean anything to you?”

I face-palmed myself: “I almost forgot. The Habs are playing the Penguins tonight. I asked the guys over. It would be awesome if you tried to stay quiet tonight.”

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What are her chances of her succeeding?

Puckhead in Parksville

Dear Puckhead:

Exceptionally good.

Dear Dr. Romance

I have a similar problem. When she complained that we don’t talk anymore, I explained that this is because the things she talks about are boring.

“But I forgive you,” I added, because I’m generous that way.

She became eerily silent after that, apparently trying to think of more stimulating topics of conversation.

In fact, she hasn’t spoken a word to me in two weeks. Can you suggest some subjects to discuss?

Nonplussed in Nanaimo

Dear Nonplussed:

Try these on for size:

A) Who would win a fistfight, Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders?

B) Ways in which her parents could improve themselves

C) “Does this look like a fungus to you?”

D) Old girlfriends and how much fun they were

Dear Dr. Romance

I read that after seven straight years at the top of the list, Victoria is no longer Canada’s Most Romantic City.

In fact, the City of Gardens plunged all the way to 10th place in Amazon.ca’s annual rankings. Top spot now belongs to Fort McMurray, Alta., the Paris of the Oil Patch.

I am aghast. Being judged less romantic than Fort McMurray is like being told you had a tougher week than John Horgan. How can I protest this outrage?

Miffed in Metchosin

Dear Miffed:

Try lying down on the Johnson Street Bridge. It seems to be a thing.

Dear Dr. Romance

Amazon based its rankings on the online purchases of romance novels, romantic movies, relationship books, jewelry and sexual wellness products, the kind that come with batteries. My girlfriend argues that instead of proving how romantic Victoria is, those purchases show Victorians are “compensating.” What does she mean? Surely this cannot be a criticism of the typical Victoria male.

Surprised in Saanich

Dear Surprised:

Of course not. Frankly, it’s amazing that women don’t lose their inhibitions/foundation garments upon encountering the typical Victoria guy, whether he be the Standard Model (grey beard, yellow teeth, red eyes, pink scalp, blue fanny pack), Lumberjack Wannabe (checked shirt, Paul Bunyan beard, wool tuque in August, hands as soft as a milkmaid’s), Future Ex-Con (camo sweat pants/neck tattoo/90-day driving ban) or Over-Taxed Spandex (no description required). All Victoria men are hunks. Of something.

Dear Dr. Romance

Can you suggest a few of these romantic movies Amazon talked about?

Film Fan in Fernwood

Dear Film Fan:

Certainly. Dirty Dancing no, Dirty Harry yes. La La Land no, Zombieland yes. Bridget Jones no, Indiana Jones yes. Notting Hill no, Hamburger Hill yes. You’ve Got Mail no, You’ve Got Male yes.

 

Dear Dr. Romance

My problem is one of unrequited love. The paparazzi have a passion for me. I do not have a passion for the paparazzi. What should one do?

Harry of Horth Hill

 

Harry who? Never heard of him. Nothing to see here, folks.

Dear Dr. Romance

Me again. I found her swinging a sledgehammer in the man cave where the boys were to watch tonight’s game.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Crushing the patriarchy,” she replied.

“No,” I said. “That’s my TV.”

Should I ask her to get her eyes checked?

Puckhead in Parksville

Dear Puckhead :

No, sounds like she sees things just fine.

Dear Dr. Romance

After she surprised me with a bottle of wine for Valentine’s, I tried to recover by fishing a Tim Hortons loyalty card out of my wallet. So then she said she couldn’t stand being near me anymore and drove off in a cloud of dust, leaving me all alone.

Now I have this piercing pain in my heart. What should I do?

Confused in Colwood

Dear Confused:

What you’re experiencing is called an “emotion.” You might have felt something similar Wednesday when the Canucks retired the Sedins’ jerseys, or when the Red Lion closed. Don’t worry. Like gas, it will pass.

So, I should just leave the corkscrew embedded in my chest?

Walk it off, princess.

Dear Dr. Romance

You’re not a real doctor, are you?

Suspicious in Sidney

Dear Sidney:

As always, Dr. Romance cures heartache and writes prescriptions for love.

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