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You can leave your shoes on

You’ve just arrived at a fancy cocktail party at a friend’s house. You’ve carefully selected an outfit, from head to toe, and you’re looking good. Damn good.
Shakedown 1112

You’ve just arrived at a fancy cocktail party at a friend’s house. You’ve carefully selected an outfit, from head to toe, and you’re looking good. Damn good. You’re especially proud of those sweet, brand new, lace up, black leather Fluevog Imperial Swordfish LeStats with brushed silver heels on your feet and can’t wait to show them off. You step inside and trip over a huge pile of shoes. Yes, it’s a shoes-off party.

I’m unclear as to when this sole-less social phenomenon slowly gained an unwelcome foothold on the West Coast, because in the Vancouver household I grew up in, and at all of my friends’ homes, you left your shoes on. You never had to take your shoes off, unless you were visiting either a very traditional Japanese restaurant, or the ball room at IKEA.

These days, it seems like no matter how formal or informal the occasion, you’re simply expected to take off your shoes upon arrival, like it’s always been customary. Well, I have news for you. It hasn’t always been customary, and I’ll say it right now: taking your shoes off at the door while attending an adult party is not only uncivilized, it’s aesthetically ridiculous.

It’s one thing for a grown man to pad around your dinner party in fuzzy woolen socks like an eight-year-old. It’s another thing entirely for a woman, who is wearing a cocktail dress, stockings and high heels, to then be expected to remove her heels on arrival, an integral part of the outfit. There’s a well-heeled belief that after the eyes, the first thing people look at when they meet someone new is their shoes. Looking down and seeing someone’s sweaty gym socks kicks this theory to the curb.

Like hogweed or the Norway rat, the practice of shoe removal appears to be invasive, brought to the West Coast from afar, possibly beyond the Rockies, from muddy, slushy places like Saskatchewan or New Brunswick.

I’ve had this debate with several friends who have insisted on the shoes-off practice at their parties. They explain to me that shoes are actually filthy mules for every disease known to humankind. According to some friends, those otherwise delightfully comfortable orthotic New Balance kicks of yours, if not removed at your front door, will wickedly spread bacteria and toxins throughout your home; awful stuff like E. coli, meningitis and diarrheal disease, horrific things called Klebsiella pneumonia and Serratia ficaria. In other words –gasp– dirt.

For those who agree that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are clomping at your door in the form of checkered Vans, size this up: the amount of rain we get in Vancouver keeps our streets and sidewalks pretty squeaky clean, if a tad wet, which means our Toms are generally E. coli-free. A quick wipe on the doormat to be sure, and we’re ready to hoof it throughout your house party, Birkenstocks firmly in place. Will two-dozen shoes at a party track in a little dirt to your otherwise spotless sanctuary? Sure. But do you clean up after you entertain, washing dishes and recycling wine bottles? Sure. So here’s another tip: sweep your damn floor after we leave so our shoes can stay where they belong. On our feet.

So… when can I come over for dinner?