10 reasons Amazon didn’t give a rose to needy and desperate Vancouver

Kudos and Kvetches

It was announced this morning that Vancouver is officially out of the running to be the home of Amazon’s second headquarters, or HQ2 as the blogosphere like to call it. #uDontDeserveUs

This leaves Toronto as the sole Canadian city and Los Angeles as the only West Coast city still under consideration.

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But is anyone really surprised? Besides the lack of affordable housing, Vancouver just seemed desperate and needy. Always seeking affirmation from “Most Liveable City in the World” lists and legions of opinion columnists who feel the need to explain why they will or won’t be living here, Vancouver is one high-maintenance, self-absorbed city. Of course there are other reasons Amazon didn’t present Vancouver with a rose. Let us count the ways.

  1. On their first date, Amazon noticed Vancouver spent most of the time on its cellphone, texting other cities and constantly taking selfies and putting rabbit ears and whiskers on itself with Snapchat in a way that looked vaguely racist. It was as if Amazon wasn’t even there.
  2. While walking along the seawall, Vancouver told Amazon that they shared a special bond and that it only felt like its true self when it was with Amazon. But Amazon later learned that Vancouver had said that to Portland the day before.
  3. During awkward silences, and there were a lot, Vancouver had this annoying habit of asking Amazon what it was thinking.
  4. Vancouver snores in bed.
  5. Never once did Vancouver ask Amazon about itself. It was always me, me, me. I did this. I did that. I hosted the Olympics. Look at our mountains. Look at our oceans. It was pathetic.
  6. Vancouver constantly would bring up Hootsuite. Hootsuite this, Hootsuite that. Well if you love Hootsuite so much, why don’t you marry it, Amazon finally replied. That shut Vancouver up for a while.
  7. Vancouver thought it was sexy to show Amazon its Yaletown and Granville Strip. Like a lot.
  8. This: 
  9. Once, Vancouver texted Amazon, “You up?” Like totally out of the blue, after weeks of never calling. It was like Vancouver ghosted Amazon but suddenly, at two in the morning on a Wednesday, it was available and hoping to “chill.” No thanks. And to answer your other question, Vancouver. How does Amazon like its eggs in the morning? Unfertilized, thank you.  
  10. Toronto is a meddling, conniving, little b****


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