Just when we were starting to get the hang of Vancouver’s Wild West approach to pot dispensaries, The Man has suddenly decided to propose some “official rules” for shops to follow. Talk about a harsh toke.
These rules, which city council will vote on next week, include a new business licence category as well as zoning requirements that all retail marijuana-related businesses most follow. We could go into specifics of the proposal, but frankly, that’s not the way we roll. However, we would like to put forth our own rules to be added to the proposal:
* Dispensaries can cut their licencing fees in half if they adopt a clever marijuana pun in their name. For example: Grassified Information, Weed at Last, Pot Without My Daughter, Dank You for Being a Friend, Herb Tarlek or Billy Bong Thornton to name a few.
* Any store owner who still touts the stoner-friendly qualities of Pink Floyd should be forced to listen to at least three of the band’s albums while straight and then reassess their opinion of them… if they’ve managed to stay awake.
* Stores can play as much reggae and hip hop on the stereo as they want, but heavy metal is capped at half an hour for each four-hour block. It just wrecks the vibe, man.
* Pot dispensaries and their customers must limit the number of times they can use the word “dude” in a single conversation. We’re proposing four. For example:
“Dude, check out this sweet three-chamber bong in the shape of a hot dog we just got in.”
“Duuudddddde, that is so sick.”
“Totally, dude. Totally. But just wait until you see the $800 solar-powered vaporizer that’s on order. It plays Eddie Grant’s ‘Electric Avenue’ for as long as you’re inhaling and can read your mind.”
“Duuuuuuuuude.”
