In an effort to make Vancouver become the most quintessential Vancouver it can be, city staff wants council to approve a one-year trial allowing skateboarders, rollerbladers and push-scooter users to experience the bureaucratically protected freedom of riding Vancouver’s protected bike lanes. Unsurprisingly, the Vancouver Police Department is not a fan of the idea, fearing increased conflicts and, presumably, some sort of Caligula-like scenario where the bounds of societal norms are discarded like a cheap toga and the streets erupt into an orgy of chaos and steamy cyclist-on-skateboarder action.
Personally, we have no problem with cyclists, skateboarders, rollerbladers and push-scooter users (all 12 of them) sharing protected bike lanes. However, there are some glaring omissions in the city’s supposedly inclusionary proposal. Namely:
Next to beard oil, suspenders, gearless bikes and mulling your own wine, it’s the biggest retro-authentic fad to hit Vancouver streets. Plus the beer growler-to-passenger ratio is higher than any other modes of transportation. It’s a win-win for Vancouver’s increasingly curated image of itself.
For anyone who thinks unicycles aren’t dorky enough, pogo sticks are where it’s at. And who needs protection from annoyed, slightly vengeful drivers experiencing a moment of weakness more than pogo stick enthusiasts?
Prancercise isn’t just an Internet meme that your in-the-know friends once shared with you on Facebook, it’s a legitimate means of travelling from point A to point B with some added flair. Besides, where else do you expect prancercisers to practise their majestic, galloping gate? Sidewalks? Boulevards? In the privacy of their shame-filled homes? That would be ridiculous.
It’s time to face facts. Hoverboards are real and they are the future. And, sure, hoverboard users aren’t bound by the shackles of gravity, logic or dignity, but they deserve a lane as much as the next person with far too much disposable income.