Like many people with an excessive amount of time on their hands and an impressive collection of soft, grey jogging pants, K&K’s schadenfreude levels went off the charts last night. The source of our great pleasure was the now-ubiquitous photo of a d-bag green Lamborghini making sweet sweet love to a fire hydrant at the corner of Bute and West Georgia.
— ScanBC (@ScanBC) May 31, 2017
How did it get there? What did the driver have against fire hydrants? What do fire hydrants have against bitchin’ cars that cost the same amount as a house in Nanaimo with heart shaped Jacuzzi? (All houses in Nanaimo come with a heart-shaped Jacuzzi, BTW.) Here’s a list of possible reasons for this Greek tragedy of a yuppy traffic accident.
- The girl-grabbing sea lion from the Steveston wharf pulled the driver’s latte out of their hand, causing them to swerve and lose control.
- The Lamborghini was haunted by the so-called ghost of Hotel Vancouver.
- The Vancouver Sun staged the whole thing to get web hits (the car accident, not the ghost story… that would be crass and insensitive to their readers’ well-known obsession with the supernatural).
- The driver was distracted by the city’s new official bird, Anna’s hummingbird. Because Anna’s hummingbirds are terrible.
- A noble and highly intelligent red-tailed hawk swooped down and prevented the driver from crashing into a group of school children, saving dozens of young lives, while still not being recognized by the city as a worthy candidate for official bird status.
- Some damn cyclist and his damn bicycle ruining the roads for every last god-loving vehicle owner in the city. When is Moonbeam’s war on vehicles going to end? How many more green Lamborghinis have to perish?
- Fire hydrants suck.