When it comes to being dumped, it seems that most of us are having a tough time dealing with it. A recent study by the University of Missouri revealed that 66% of people had sex with another person three months after a breakup. The breakdown of incidences was even more interesting. 20% reported having sex with their ex, 54% had sex with a previous ex while 26% had sex with a new partner. This data shows that a total of 74% of people are having sex with some form of an ex after a breakup.
Rebound sex is one of the typical strategies used in popular culture to get over an ex. The thought behind it is: if you have sex with someone else then you’re essentially moving on while others may do it out of revenge in hopes that your ex will catch wind of it. These strategies are all methods we use to cope with our feelings of being dumped (there’s even an option for anyone on the rebound via Facebook). It’s reassuring to know that you’re still a desirable candidate in the dating field and that you can pull yourself together to get someone in bed with you. However, you may soon find that getting someone in bed is one thing but when it comes to relationship longevity or healing your wounds, it may not be as quick and simple.
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So when does rebound sex happen most often? According to the data, out of the 26% who had sex with a new partner, 20% were strangers they met that same day or night. People aren’t slowly approaching, it appears we’re acting on a whim when it comes to rebound sex. Those who reported using sex to cope with negative feelings to get over an ex were also more likely to have sex with a stranger and continue that pattern over time.
Perhaps the most interesting piece of data lies in the 74% of people who choose to have sex with an ex after a breakup. Comfort may be a reason why most of us find this option attractive. Even an ex from awhile back will provide you with some emotional comfort that you know that person and they know what you like. Calling an ex to have sex is also tempting because you have that rapport and familiarity with each other that’s hard to shake. Some people also believe that others may not be as quick to judge if they had sex with someone they knew versus a stranger.
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The good news is since coping with the negative feeling of a breakup with sex are associated, it also appears to decline with time. The first 24 hours of a breakup is crucial. We often experience elevated feelings of loneliness, anger, grief, confusion and sadness. While it may be tempting to use sex as a tool to increase our self-esteem and to also ease some of the negative impact of a breakup, it doesn’t always work to move on emotionally. Most people report that they don’t plan to continue a relationship with the person they had rebound sex with.
How soon you get over an ex depends on various factors:
1. How invested you were in the relationship.
2. How much you wanted the relationship the work.
3. Whether you feel like there were other potential partners for you.
4. How well you are able to cope with rejection and acceptance.
5. Level of social support in your life (thank goodness for friends).
Keep in mind that while you may feel like you’re in agony and spiraling into a darker place after a breakup, time does ease some of the pain.
Amy Yew is a registered clinical counselor and relationship therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to amyvancouvercourier@gmail.com. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
