Vancouver city council endorsed the Arbutus Greenway design vision and implementation strategy today.
It was filled with lots of ideas generated at “design jams” hosted by the city.
But because we’re opposed to city hosted events called “design jams” and we have community service most weekends, our modest proposals for the Arbutus Greenway were ignored.
For shame. Here’s a list of all the awesome things you’re missing out on.
- Renaming the Arbutus Greenway to the Et Tu Brute, Greenway cuz Shakespeare effin’ rocks… #RIPJuliusCaeser #JC4EVAH #VANPOLI.
- A velvet roped off area next to “the Ridge” zone of the greenway called “the Fortress of Perpetual Lamentation” where Vancouverites can publicly lament the loss of the Ridge Theatre.
- A velvet roped off area next to “the Fortress of Perpetual Lamentation” called “the Accurate but Still Kinda Dickish Section” where contrarians can ask public lamenters when was the last time they actually paid to see a movie in a theatre.
- A section of the greenway left unpruned and overrun with bushes called the Treasure Trail.
- A giant ball pit like the ones found in IKEA but, inevitably, dirtier and increasingly dangerous to public health, especially for — what are they called? — oh yeah, children.
- A series of desks where bloggers, influencers and opinion columnists can sit down and write the next missive about “Why I’m (leaving, staying, thinking about leaving, probably going to stay, breaking up with, going to cheat on but beg for forgiveness, renewing my vows with) Vancouver.”
- A plaque or monument that West Side residents and supporters of mayoral candidate Wai Young can visit whenever they need to grieve or reflect upon their profound sense of loss that reads “Mayor Moonbeam and the City of Vancouver’s terrible war on the beleaguered vehicle began here. Never forget.”
- Four words: Super Socco Drinking Fountains.