Sadly, another year of hunting, gathering and typing has come to a close.
That means it’s time to roll out my annual list of questionable observations of what went down on the civic scene in 2016.
As I said in last year’s preamble, it’s also a great way to fill a page with random stuff and drop a few search engine-friendly names to bring some eyeballs to the website -- and some advertisers, too, so that I can keep my job and put some green in my jeans.
The sarcasm is getting real, people.
I’ll get to the full list in a sec.
I first want to share with you a press release I received from the city that I kept to top the list. I thought about deleting it, but it was too good to discard. I kept it because it will give you some insight into how communicating in simple words is, apparently, a lost art.
I’ll begin with the headline: "City and partners to host discussion on catalyzing social connections."
Hands up, if you can tell me what that means.
Tick, tick, tick…
Nobody?
Apparently, the release was to promote an event called “CONNECT: Catalyzing a Social Movement, an action-oriented forum aimed at sharing tools, research and practice related to the impact our built and social environments have on social connection.”
Now, are you with me?
Didn’t think so.
Here’s some more word magic: “CONNECT brings together community champions, regional stakeholders and systems builders to explore the impact we can collectively have on connection and building.”
Yes, champions and my personal favourite, stakeholders.
Anyway, without further ado, I must give The Worst Press Release (Is There Such Thing as a Good One?) From Government Award to…the City of Vancouver! The obligatory hand claps, whiskey howls and vuvuzela blasts are most welcome at this point.
Onto the rest of the list…
City Councillor Most Likely To Call For Point Of Order During A Meeting: NPA Coun. Melissa De Genova. Either the ruling Vision Vancouver crew is a nasty bunch that doesn’t adhere to rules of conduct and causes De Genova to repeatedly quote section 5.2 of procedure bylaw no. 9756 and call for a point of order, or she is just a big fan of Al Pacino’s work in And Justice for All and the “you’re out of order” bit.
Developer Most Likely To Give Chocolates To City Councillors At This Time of Year: Joo Kim Tiah of the Holborn Group, who last holiday season gave chocolates (valued at $50) to the majority of council. Adriane Carr and Geoff Meggs donated their chocolates to the Atira Women’s Resource Society, Tim Stevenson gave his to the West End Seniors Network and Kerry Jang sent his back. Raymond Louie donated his to “a local seniors group.” Melissa De Genova kept the chocolates, but donated a $55 gift box to city staff. George Affleck kept his chocolates.
Bromance That Was Most Likely to End: The one between Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Mayor Gregor Robertson. One year after JT made young girls and older men scream and openly weep during his visit to city hall, GR couldn’t be bothered to stay in town to welcome back the PM to Vancouver this December. The break-up is believed to be related to something about an approval of a pipeline, or possibly their ongoing text battle about which Quebec chanteuse is really that province’s premiere etoile, Mitsou or Celine.
Newsman Most Likely To Drop the Ball On A Story That Would Have Made Guitarist-Worshipping Dudes Proud: Uh, that would be yours truly. Picked up the phone a few months ago and the guy on the line said he was Steve Vai and heard I wanted to interview him about his tour. No, I said, I didn’t request to speak to you Mr. virtuoso-guitar-god-who-was-voted-10th-greatest-guitarist-in-the-world-by-Guitar World Magazine-and-has-sold-more-than-15-million-records. C’mon, he was ranked 10th.
Federal Minister Most Likely Not To Be Interviewed By The Courier: Justice Minister Jody Wilson-Raybould, who also happens to be the Liberals’ MP for Vancouver-Granville. The Courier first made a request in July to speak with the minister for a series on Aboriginal peoples in Vancouver. That led to more phone calls, more messages and an email thread with her staff longer than a Steve Vai guitar solo. Response from Wilson-Raybould’s staff in October: “Is there a reason you have to write that the minister has been unable to speak to you for this series?”
Most Coincidental Timing of Two Couples Celebrating An Anniversary:That goes to Mayor Gregor Robertson and his lady friend, Wanting Qu, and the dynamic journalism duo of Courier boss Michael Kissinger and shutterbug Dan Toulgoet. Coincidentally, both couples shared an anniversary earlier this year and weren’t afraid to show how strong their bonds remain by posting endearing photographs on Twitter. Congratulations all around.
Councillor Most Likely To Be Surrounded By Security: Vision Coun. Kerry Jang, who says he was threatened in April by some dude or dudes upset with the city’s rules regulating marijuana dispensaries. City hall activated a security plan for Jang and his family. Apparently he is no longer a target, except on the days that he wears his cream-coloured suit, which has reportedly led to threats from another segment of society, fashionistas.
Bird Most Likely To Steal Mike Howell’s Story: Canuck the Crow! My nemesis! Here I was trying to write a story about a cop shooting a man armed with a knife in a McDonald’s parking lot and this crow swoops into the crime scene, picks up the knife, gets chased by a cop and drops said knife back in the lot. Apparently, Canuck had quite the social media rep before I mentioned him in my story. And that mention alone was, as I wrote in a column, enough for my media brethren and sistren to drop all other pursuits for more details on what exactly I saw, where exactly I saw this happen and how exactly I knew his name was Canuck. Canadian Press, CBC, The Globe and Mail, The Toronto Star, The Washington Post, The Miami Herald, The Guardian, The Daily Mail and ABC News all had some version of that 10 seconds of semi-drama. The story, as they say, went viral. Note to self: Write more animal stories.
I’ve got a lot more nonsense that I could share, but I have to pour some more gingerbread spiced whiskey into my empty glass. In the meantime, happy holidays and I sincerely wish you all the best in the new year in building your social environments and connecting with champions and stakeholders.
@Howellings
