Complaint Department

Kudos and Kvetches

With so many real problems facing this city — homelessness, inequality, Zack Kassian’s disappointing on ice performance — we’re surprised how upset people can get over something as innocuous as putting a bike path through Kits Beach Park. Mind you, this is the same constantly imperiled neighbourhood whose residents unsuccessfully rallied against the evils of basketball courts and a two-storey concession stand/restaurant on the beach. The horror.

Now a bunch of them are up in arms over a 12-foot-wide, paved bike path and are comparing themselves to Rosa Parks while uncreatively throwing around phrases like Mayor Moon Beam, Visionless council and dictatorship when describing the actions of the city. News organizations have even dedicated many inches of newsprint and website space to these people and their concerns. If such disproportionate reactions to a bike path can garner so much attention, K&K would like to offer up a few petty gripes of our own that we feel are worth complaining about.

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Republic of Doyle promo ads on CBC. We’ve never watched an episode of Republic of Doyle, but we just know we would hate it. We hate the ridiculous story lines hinted at in the ads, we hate the smug little look Doyle gives the camera, we hate his muscular biceps whenever he crosses his arms, which is just about always, and more than anything we hate that song: “Yeah, yeah, yeah….” What is that, Great Big Sea? Man do we hate Great Big Sea. Seriously, ban the lot of them. Just like they did with polio.  

• People who hit the crosswalk button after we’ve obviously already done so. Do you honestly think we were just standing there waiting for the walk sign to come up on its own. No, we’ve pushed the button, dummy. These things take time. And if you think you’re going to take credit for that walk signal after we already pushed the button minutes before you, you’re as clueless as that Idi Amin guy.

• People who ask us if Pepsi or Coke is OK when we ask for a cola. The reason we ask for “cola” is because it covers both Pepsi and Coke and indicates we don’t have a preference. Actually, we’d prefer we had more willpower and could order a kale smoothie, but that’s another rant. Why doesn’t this happen when we ask for a ginger ale or root beer? Why are we drinking so much pop? Society is nothing more than slaves of the ruling class. Eff the revolution!

•  Facebook friends who don’t know how to turn off their Words with Friends updates so we’re constantly forced to read how they spelled “poo” for nine points. Big whoop. Maybe if you spelled “zealot” for 54 points like we did last week, we’d be impressed. So figure out your Facebook sharing settings and stop oppressing us with your updates and forcing us to exist like digital refugees.

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