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DO WE FAVOR TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE PROPOSAL RITUALS?

We currently live in a progressive world where women take on entrepreneurial roles and fathers are being granted paternity leave. It seems that gender roles in relationships are slowly starting to disappear.
marriage proposal

 

We currently live in a progressive world where women take on entrepreneurial roles and fathers are being granted paternity leave. It seems that gender roles in relationships are slowly starting to disappear. However, when it comes to the marriage proposal ritual, most people appear to favor tradition. So what does a traditional marriage proposal usually entail? According to researcher Lisa Hoplock, traditional marriage proposals usually include:

·The proposer asking the father or parents of the proposee for his/their permission or blessing to marry the proposee,

·The proposal being a surprise,

·The proposer getting down on one knee,

·The proposer presenting a ring,

·The proposer asking, “Will you marry me?”

The proposer is also usually male in heterosexual relationships and the female is usually surprised or shocked in some way even though most people actually report that they had some kind of indication that their partner will be proposing.

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Researchers believe that social scripts created for marriage proposals allow us to maintain socially acceptable norms that fit into the “hype” of a proposal. People also expect to hear an entertaining story about how the proposal happened. In one study, researchers survey 1,000 participants to gain insight into what they thought about certain marriage proposal scripts. Results showed that people often rated the relationship as stronger when traditional proposal rituals were followed.

Those who deviated from tradition were often shamed and the proposal was even described as “less official or legitimate” than when traditional scripts were followed. Furthermore, people also rated a proposal as a “joke” when a woman takes on the role of the proposer. In general, surveyors were set on the role of the male in the relationship proposing and women taking on the role of planning the wedding.

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The media has also encouraged the status quo of marriage proposal rituals. Consider the widely viewed series the Bachelor and Bachelorette. Even when the suitor is female, the male still takes on the role of planning the dates and getting on one knee to propose. On the other hand, shows such as Sex and the City pushed the boundaries of tradition when Miranda proposed to her long time partner Steve over four dollar beers. While tradition may offer us a sense of comfort, each relationship is unique to the couple and a proposal should reflect that.

Researchers are certainly giving us some food for thought when it comes to traditional gender role stereotypes. Keep in mind that even though surveyors linked perceptions of relationship quality to traditional marriage proposal rituals, there is no empirical data to date that shows the two factors are intrinsically linked.

While the allure of traditional grandiose proposals may be tempting, it is the relationship itself that becomes the central factor for successful marriage. Focus on what really matters to you and the story you will want to keep telling years down the road. 

Amy Yew is a registered clinical counselor and relationship therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to amyvancouvercourier@gmail.com. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.