Four things the City of Vancouver should regulate next

Kudos and Kvetches

On Wednesday, city council voted in favour of regulating the Wild West of Vancouver marijuana dispensaries after listening to dozens of jokers, smokers and midnight tokers “potificate” (we just copyrighted that) on the subject over several days of hearings. According to the Courier’s reeferporter (again, copyrighted) Mike Howell, “Vancouver becomes the first municipality in Canada to adopt regulations for illegal marijuana dispensaries and will begin to issue business licences to a maximum of 94 pot shops in the coming months.”

Well good for us. But there are still plenty of other activities desperately in need of regulating, in our humble opinion. Here are four things the city should regulate next:

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ice cream

1. Artisanal ice cream shops

Simple fact is they’re everywhere, from Kitsilano to Mount Pleasant, and they show no sign of stopping the dissemination of high-priced, lactose-intolerant treats with previously unheard of ice cream strains including salty caramel, bourbon, green tea and single-speed bike chain grease. Acknowledging the fact that ice cream does have an array of medicinal benefits, we would like to modestly propose a limit on the number of bearded employees allowed to scoop ice cream in a facility at one time in order to lessen the paranoia of finding a stray hair in our cone mid-lick. New regulations should stipulate that shops do not exceed the “one beard, two moustaches” rule at any given time. One Beard, Two Moustaches is also a great name for an ice cream parlour. So it’s a win-win.


2. Hacky Sack

Although we’d like to ban the tiny sack-kicking practice altogether, we realize that would be an infringement of dirty hippies’ basic human rights. So let’s enact what we like to call “the Folk Fest rule.” If hacky sacking is taking place outside of a folk festival or like-minded freedom-loving event (which is totally permissible), participants must ensure said annoying activity is done within 20 metres of a porta potty or busker who’s performing “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” or some other Gordon Lightfoot song. It just makes sense.


3. The word “craft”

Yes, Vancouver is in the midst of a craft brewery renaissance and we couldn’t be happier or chubbier about it. But the word craft has become so overused by bars, restaurants and condo developments, that it’s lost all meaning. So no more. Instead of the word craft, businesses can only use the words “bespoke,” “discerning,” “organically fetishized,” “projected notions of authenticity” or “evoking the musky image of a saloon, barbershop, leather tannery or dry goods store during the Gold Rush or Prohibition.”

4. Petulant cats

...who expose their inviting bellies on the sidewalk when we walk down leafy neighbourhoods only to attack our gentle hand and recoil as if they didn’t want us to rub their furry stomachs in the first place, and in turn make us feel embarrassed and duped by a cruel, whiskery gatekeeper who sold us a ticket on the good ship Cuddle Kitty knowing full well that we were only taking a one way trip to Scratch Town. How many more scars, both physical and emotional, must we endure? This travesty of justice must stop now.


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