This week we received the happy news that actress Mila Kunis is expecting a baby with partner Ashton Kusher. They seem like a nice enough couple and definitely have a stable career to go with that. Is there really a problem with putting the baby carriage before marriage?
Traditionally, the plan for most people is date, go steady, move in for 2-5 years, get engaged then get pregnant. It seems like society is not conforming to traditions evidenced by couples choosing to wait longer before tying the knot. While marriage may be on hold for some, others choose to move on with the next stage in life and bypass marriage. 41% of women under 30 having children are unwed. The average age of women who have their first child is around 25 while the average age of marriage is 26.
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People now believe that the institution of marriage has nothing to do with having children. In fact, 77% of women between the ages of 18-29 agree with the idea that it’s okay to have a baby and not marry. There’s no denying that a one income household produces far greater risk for both parent and child compared to a two income household in terms of the economic longevity for the family. Perhaps the greatest indicator of whether one chooses to have a child before marriage falls on education. Research shows that more educated couples choose to marry before they have kids. Women who also have a higher educational level choose to marry after cohabitation.
So what effect does marriage have on the sustainability of a couple or the child if any? You can’t plan everything and once in a while surprises do happen. Marriage certainly doesn’t come with the promise of a happily ever after nor the guarantee that you will be together forever (as evident by the near 50% divorce rate in Canada). People believe that marriage brings about a sense of stability to the couple and comfort for the children. The common perception against marriage usually stems from some kind of rebellious notion against the norm. If marriage is essentially a long-term relationship, why marry?
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The psychological advantage to marriage is strong. The idea of legitimizing your relationship and a sense of increased connection to your partner via marriage has been theorized to be the active agent in change when it comes to motivation to work a little harder on issues before giving up. There’s no question that when it comes to the adjustment level of a child, conflict is a key role rather than separation or marital status.
Three factors are central in this issue. Ask yourself, are you able to financially provide for the child (financial stability lowers risk factors for children)? Do you and your partner have a strong relationship where high levels of conflict are not present? Will your partner be there to help you co-parent? Finally, age appears to be important. You may want to rethink having children if it’s exclusively for a sense of personal fulfillment.
Amy Yew is a registered clinical counselor and relationship therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to amyvancouvercourier@gmail.com. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
