We’re going to come right out and say it. We don’t like Easter. Sure, we enjoy the extra day off (or two if you work for the government or some other socialist employer). But as far as holidays go, Easter is the worst. It’s even lamer than the totally made up, shameless voter pandering Family Day. Here’s why:
Too much religion to remember
Admittedly we are not remotely religious even though we gladly enjoy the spoils of Christmas and Easter. But Easter actually makes us feel guilty about our ignorance. Considering the holiday marks Christ’s crucifixion, resurrection and the downfall of Mel Gibson’s career, we should really do some research and learn the significance and difference between Palm Sunday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Easter Monday besides one of those days being an awesome day off from work. But we don’t. And that is another reason why we’re going to Hell if it exists. Even though it probably doesn’t.
Easter egg hunts
If there is another childhood tradition that requires so much effort with so little in return, let us know. For Christmas you basically have to make a list of things you want, go to sleep and wake up to a pile of gifts that are hopefully based on those things you demanded. For Easter you have to waste your precious time searching your house or yard for a handful of tiny, turd-shaped chocolate eggs that you would never buy. Even on Halloween the only hunting you’re required to do is walk door to door. Plus there’s a variety of candy, even if some of it’s crappy boxes of raisins and Wagon Wheels.
Bunnies
Sure they look cool on T-shirts and as taxidermy, but rabbits are crap pets. Ever have one as a kid? They do basically nothing cool besides eat, crap and shiver whenever you try to pick them up or wrestle with them. And they usually get killed by the neighbour’s dog or die from eating a crayon. So why are they associated with Easter? We’re so unimpressed by them we can’t even be bothered to google it.
Ham
We dig ham for all of three bites. After that we’re done. But for some reason, ham has become synonymous with Easter dinner, instead of cooler food like turkey, nachos or manwhiches. We don’t even know a single person, other than our parents or grandparents, who’s ever purchased a ham. It’s kind of like life insurance or orthopedic shoes. Ham is a symbol of our mortality. A meaty beacon in the distance signalling our inevitable demise.
General confusion
Every year when Easter arrives, we ask our exasperated boss the same question. Exactly which day do we get off, Friday or Monday? And when we are told it is Friday, as always, we then inevitably inquire why we also don’t get Monday off like other people do. And we never remember the answer to that question, although we’re pretty sure it’s never satisfying.
