Luongo's Tender Groin: The final interview

Former Vancouver Canucks goalie retires after 19 years of stretching his groin across the crease

Kudos and Kvetches

News of Roberto Luongo's retirement this morning hit us pretty hard at K&K headquarters. Athough we've never met the man in person, we had the honour of interviewing Luongo's Tender Groin several times during his tenure with the Vancouver Canucks. So we are reposting the last interview we ever had with LTG in Vancouver. Warning: It's a sensitive one.


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This article was first published March 6, 2014.

It was with great sadness this week we learned that the Canucks' woefully mistreated goalie, Roberto Luongo, had been traded to the Florida Panthers for a slanket and box of frozen Pizza Pockets — sorry, we mean prospect goalie Jacob Markstrom and centre Shawn Matthias. Although the elite goaltender and Twitter ninja has never granted K&K an interview, dedicated readers of this column will recall a number of surprisingly intimate conversations we’ve had over the years with Luongo’s Tender Groin. On Tuesday, we caught up with LTG at a urinal at the Vancouver International Airport minutes before his owner boarded a flight to Miami. LTG was gracious enough to grant us some face time in what might be our last interview with Luongo’s Tender Groin.

K&K: First off, when did you first learn that you were traded?
LTG: It’s funny. We were kicking back, enjoying a sauna alongside ELBK (Eddie Lack’s Bony Knees) and JGFU (Jason Garrison’s Forest-like Undercarriage) when Lou’s cell went off and there was all this muffled commotion.

Yeah, Lou is a private guy, so I was covered up with a few layers of terrycloth towel. I can only imagine what it must have been like for his boys, Geppetto and Giuseppe. They must have been suffocating. Man alive!     

Getting back to hockey. What are you looking forward to most about living in Florida?
To be honest, not much. It can get hot and humid with Lou at the best of times, so I expect things to get downright swampy in Florida. The chafing, the heat rashes. Mamma mia!

Are you friends with anyone on the Panthers?
Of course. I may be a groin but I’m not a hermit. Let’s see, I know BCFC (Brian Campbell’s Fire Crotch). Those gingers sure are a weird bunch. I hung a few times with Tomas Fleischmann’s Hamstring. Just a little chitchat in the crease during a pileup. Nothing serious. We’re more acquaintances than friends.

Are you disappointed you won’t be seeing Tim Thomas’s Tender Groin on a regular basis now that he’s been traded to Dallas?
To be honest, there’s nothing “tender” about TTTG. That guy is a real bastard. But it’s nothing compared to Tim Thomas’s Taint. Talk about a buzzkill. I heard he wrote haikus.

I think we should end this interview before things get out of hand and you start saying things that’ll make our readers uncomfortable.
They’re uncomfortable? Give me a break. Try taking a five-hour flight with Leonardo pressed up against you the entire time and then tell me about being uncomfortable.

This interview is over.
Whatever. It never really began, if you ask me.

That’s sounds deep.
What can I say. I’m a tender groin.

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