Running of the Bankers' set for streets of New York
President Obama announced Wednesday that any convictions from his newly signed Banking Criminalization Act would result in a public shaming of the perpetrators. "Those convicted will be led into New York's Zucotti Park in pig masks and made to run an obstacle course ending at Times Square," the newly-invigorated, second term president said in a speech before the U.S. House of Representatives. "The American people were flattened by a controlled demolition of the economy, with their own homes used as fuses," Obama said of the subprime scandal and subsequent financial collapse. "Now it's time for the people to have fun at the perps' expense."
Spectators at the Running of the Bankers, anticipated for the fall of 2013, will be given rotten produce to throw at the credit-siphoning crooks. "Only vegetables will be thrown," the president cautioned. "We want public catharsis, not private harm. Besides, the offenders can anticipate the latter once they're behind bars."
The porcine-masked winner of the obstacle course, which will include a gaunch-chafing "recession slide" into a "mud pit of penury," will have the opportunity to direct seized assets to the charity of his or her choice. Names eagerly volunteered for the competition by foreclosed Americans include former AIG Insurance CEO Hank Greenberg, former Countrywide Financial chairman Angelo R. Mozilo, former treasury secretary Hank Paulson, and Goldman Sacks CEO Lloyd Blankfein.
Obama's speech was swiftly followed by a denunciation from a U.S. animal rights activist group, The American Swine Resistance, who objected to connecting a "mammal of high intelligence and emotional complexity" with 'the lowest, vilest order of human beings.
Scientists Discover The Whee Spot
Neuroscientists at McGill University claim to have discovered a simple practice to immediately reach "samadhi," the state of inner peace sought by meditators. "It involves three bodily points," said Edgar Callosum, the lead investigator in the study. "One point at the base of the spine, and two points adjacent to the cervical vertebrae - in the area of Mr. Spock's famous 'Vulcan Nerve Pinch,' weirdly enough."
Approximately 89 percent of the study's research subjects were able to quickly reach a neurally identifiable state of deep relaxation in the lab, through application of light pressure on the three points simultaneously. "Their ego-consciousness evaporated into the All-Mind like a bead of water on a hot skillet," the long-haired Callosum noted. "And their dopamine levels spiked like a mofo, too."
Billions of people around the world will be able to attain inner peace for extended periods of time, any time of day or night, at literally no cost and with minor effort and zero risk, the McGill study concludes. "Limber individuals can easily stimulate themselves, but bliss is best achieved with a partner's help," Callosum observed with a smile.
Children reduced to old-school communication after Internet collapse
The massive solar flare that disrupted global telecommunications last week wasn't just a challenge for adults. Twelve-year-old Samantha Applebee of Great Falls, Montana scrawled "dis totalee sux" on a magnetic board on the home refrigerator before wandering outdoors to ponder a mysterious outcropping of metal and wood in a neighbourhood park (a playground).
Samantha joined millions of other teens and preteens around the world who were left without electronic communications - including television broadcasts - between Friday and Monday. Scared and confused, they were forced to find entertainment that wasn't mediated by large corporations. "I was really bummed out at first," the middle school student said of her dark playdate of the soul. "But it was kind of cool walking around in the woods with my friends, using spoken words to communicate. The birds in the trees are nothing like the app - they're not angry at all!"
British Columbia Mental Health Act Expanded to Include Public Lying
Anticipating the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V), which identifies serial lying as a sign of psychopathy, the NPD provincial government has approved legislation allowing for the apprehension of long-term liars with high public profiles as potential threats to themselves or others. "This includes corporate executives, media commentators, and yes, even public servants in the provincial government," said Premier Adrian Dix, carefully choosing his words so they will not be highlighted in any future enforcement.
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