There's nothing like the familiar. Having history with someone can have a profound impact on who you are today. Let's face it, technology has largely impacted how we connect with others including those who we choose to leave behind. On/off relationships are now becoming increasingly common. A recent study found that 74% of people are having sex with an ex after a breakup. Going back to an ex can feel like a habit that's hard to break. It can occupy your emotional space, consume your time and inhibit you from forming meaningful relationships.
According to a recent study in 2011 from the University of Texas, 40% of couples report breaking up and renewing a relationship with the same partner. 60% of people reported having experienced an on/off relationship.75% of people report renewing relationship more than twice with a partner in the past. On/off partners also report more negative aspects and few positive aspects compared to non-cyclical relationships.
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The 2011 study gives us answers to the following pertinent questions:
Why do exes reconcile?
· continued attachment
· communicating more effectively
· positive attributes regarding self or partner
· increased intimacy
· dissatisfaction with alternate partners
Turns out, majority of breakups are not usually mutual and people tended to breakup if there are more attractive alternatives. People who are engaged in an on-again/off-again relationship also report more uncertainty about the relationship in general.
What are the top rated reasons for renewal of relationship with an ex?
· Lingering feelings 41.8%
· Partner is “the one” 14.7%
· Didn't want breakup 13.4%
· Familiarity 12.1%
· Companionship 11.8%
· Sympathy for partner 9.6%
· Partner changed 7.7%
· Perceptions changed 7.2%
· Wanted it to work 7.1%
· No better alternatives 6.4%
· Breakup was a mistake 6.4%
· Investment 5.8%
· Reduced barriers 1.7%
People who are involved in a cyclical relationship pattern are often faced with stressors associated to a certain level of uncertainty or instability in a relationship. Most people report that they experience feelings of doubt or disappointment followed by emotional frustration. As adjusting to being alone settles in, they often begin to see their partner in a more positive light. Often time, this feeling can motivate people to rekindle the relationship they ended. It's normal to feel lonely or even miss someone who has mistreated you on some level because an attachment bond is severed with the dissolution of the relationship. However, accepting that these feelings are simply your system trying to get back to “the normal” you once knew rather than a signal towards a healthy relationship. The key is to find a new normal and maximize your opportunity to meet new people and create a strong support system.
So, what are the benefits of on-off relationships?
· Future relationship knowledge 23.8%
· New perspective about relationship or partner 19.7%
· Learn about/improve current relationship 16.7%
· Learn about self or self enrichment 16.7%
· None/minimal 13.9%
· Open relationship/chance to explore alternatives 9.2%
· Familiarity/comfort 6.7%
Keep in mind that reconciling with an ex has less to do with what it says about you than what you need at the moment. The problem doesn't always lie with what you want but how you go about meeting those needs. While it might feel unsettling to cycle back into the same situation, most people report learning a great deal about what they want in a relationship.
Source: Dailey, M.R., Jin, B., Pfeister, A. & Beck, G. (2011). On-again/off-again relationships: What keeps partners coming back?. Journal of Social Psychology.
