Hello, fellow Canadians! We’re the sparkling new, rebranded PaleoConservative party!
We’ve learned from past mistakes and moved on. Stephen Who? What? Huh? After the last federal election, we probably have PTSD. Can’t remember that much.
Yet we do remember bits of what happened a year ago. With sinking hearts we watched a tide of red spread west across the nation’s ridings. It was like someone sawed a Canadian beaver in half and splashed its entrails across the 49th parallel. It hurt that much.
However, we respected the will of the electorate. Among the lessons we’ve learned is to never let a tone-deaf party leader get near a keyboard, unless it’s attached to a computer. Another thing we learned is that you don’t roll out a nation-wide snitch line for “barbaric cultural practices” without defining what those are. We were overloaded with calls about muzzled federal scientists and shuttered fisheries libraries (it’s not our fault some Canadians can’t tell the difference between an islamofascist’s pressure cooker bomb and some ichthyologist’s peer-reviewed bore).
Also, in retrospect, “Building a Bridge to the 19th Century” was not the greatest of campaign lines.
In any case, next time around we’re going to leave the niqab alone. Not gonna touch the burkini either. Nuh-uh.
Anyone applying for Canadian citizenship can wear whatever he or she wants to a swearing-in ceremony. Swim fins, welding goggles and a fez: no problem. Hip waders, pasties, and a ski mask: go for it. For all we care you can dance into the room wearing tap shoes, a Guy Fawkes mask, and a “People Over Pipelines” tank top. Whatever floats your overloaded multicultural boats, newcomers! Vive la difference!
(We love foreigners, actually. The number of temporary foreign workers in this country exploded under Lord Voldem...we mean Steph...under the previous Tory government.)
The PaleoConservative party now comes with 35 per cent less corporatism, in the Mussolini sense of the term. We are kinder and gentler. Honestly. The Business Council of Canada tells us the word next time around is “stealth.” It’s nifty word that combines “strength” and “health.”
We’re confident you’ll give us another kick at the can rather than another kick in the teeth, after the passage of time reveals Justin Trudeau as the metrosexual, Pinko crybaby that he is.
And really, what’s with the hair? C’mon, anyone who uses that much product is keeping their eye on the salon mirror, not their parliamentary seat. (You know who’s really got great tresses? Our leader, Rona Ambrose. She comes by it naturally, too; word is she was fully covered in hair at birth.)
Yes, we are sorry about allowing calls for Prime Minister Trudeau’s assassination on the Conservative Facebook page last August. We removed them once The Walrus called public attention to the matter. Really, we didn’t know they were there. Kinda got in under the radar. (Weird that Canadians found out about it through a large marine mammal, though.)
But make no mistake; we are sticking to our core mandate: jobs. That’s the mantra of the PaleoConservative party. Jobs, jobs, jobs.
We’re going to create a lot of them for Canadians. With the collapse of the oil sector, we have a big swath of Alberta to environmentally remediate. Lots of bird-brained waterfowl are still landing in tailing ponds, and we eagerly anticipate handing out buckets of soap and water to overeducated, underemployed citizens who might otherwise go on about Darwinian selection. We’re down with your hypocrisy if you unbelievers have young heathen to feed.
We will continue to be tough on crime, too. Your right-wing government in exile is investigating exciting new positions in the Canadian penitentiary system. In fact, a former Tory MP from Calgary is actively consulting the American private prison industry about future investment in Canada. So if you’re jobless and/or have mental health issues and feel compelled to commit a crime, victimless or otherwise, no worries: if convicted, you’ll find three square meals a day and meaningful, character-building work at your local supermax “crowbar hotel.”
You tried Progressive Conservative, you tried Reform, and you tried Alliance. Then you tried old stock Conservative. Try PaleoConservative in 2019, when our rebranding is complete and your local PC MP is slicker than a Moray eel in Jell-O. You’ll be glad you did!
Sincerely,
The PaleoConservative Party of Canada
www.geoffolson.com
