Taking two-wheeled demons and the hellions who ride them to task

Kudos and Kvetches

As opposition to the city’s plans for a paved bike path through Kits Beach Park grows louder and more shrill, even going so far as to draw self-comparisons to icons of the civil rights movement, K&K has decided to take a closer look at this two-wheeled demon commonly known as the bicycle. What makes it tick? Why doesn’t it have four wheels like a proper vehicle? Just who are the hellions who insist on riding these death machines across Vancouver’s charred landscape like the spandex-wearing Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Why do bikes want to assault defenseless children and families as they take part in Vancouver’s oldest pastime… picnicking? How many more basic rules of grammar, punctuation and capitalization will have to die on comment boards, Facebook sites and online petitions before enough is enough?

Here’s what we’ve discovered:

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• Bicycles travel at alarmingly fast speeds with no regard for the lives of their innocent victims. Fuelled by wind, blood and the cries of children, they drive on roads made of pavement, broken bones and crushed dreams.  

• Even though Mayor Gregor Robertson and his Vision council were elected twice in a row with a mandate that presumably included increasing Vancouver bike routes, putting a bike path through a recreation area is sheer insanity. Everyone knows recreation areas are for kicking balls, throwing Frisbees and enjoyment by families who can’t prevent their children from walking in front of moving objects. That’s it. There’s no sharing of space in a recreation area — just good old fashioned spreading out and hunkering down. The way our ancestors intended.  

• The mayor’s aim to make Vancouver the greenest city? More like “meanest city.” Trademark.

• We’ve already witnessed the devastation that rampant cycling has inflicted upon once pristine Xanadus such as Stanley Park, English Bay, Sunset Beach, Coal Harbour, False Creek, Jericho Beach, Spanish Banks and Locarno Beach. Drive down there in your SUV and you’ll see what we’re talking about. It’s practically like a scene from Mad Max — a lawless wasteland filled with strangely dressed marauders except happier, more fit and in search of the nearest Starbucks.

• You know where else a lot of bikes are found? Communist China. You know who plans to visit China next month? Comrade Mayor Gregor Robertson.

• You know who didn’t ride a bike, at least on one important day in history? Rosa Parks. 

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