We’re so stoked about Whole Foods’ top trends for 2018 we nearly choked on our bee pollen

Breast milk with a side of radish fudge, anyone?

Kudos and Kvetches

Break open the artisanal quinoa. Grocery giant — and best place to pick up single dads in touch with their sensitive sides (or so we’ve been told) — Whole Foods has released its top food trends for 2018. Sadly, the triumphant return of sports beverage Super Socco isn’t one of them.

Because we’re still a little bitter about the Super Socco thing, we didn’t bother to read the self-serving list. But we have our finger on the pulse and are pretty sure we know what’s around the corner when it comes to what we’re going to organically stuff in our pie hole. Here’s what you can expect to see on the shelves of Whole Foods next year.  

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Cloth

Dairy-free, gluten-free, paleo and extremely filling, cloth is nature’s best kept secret that isn’t technically created naturally. And, although Whole Foods can’t guarantee its line of edible cloth isn’t made by exploited children in a sweat factory, your 10-cent donation to an anonymous charity for bringing your own shopping bag should alleviate any guilt you might feel.

Breast milk from a strong, independent woman hiking Spain’s El Camino de Santiago Trail after going through a rough breakup

As anyone on the paleo diet will tell you, mother’s milk is the only dairy product permitted to fuel one’s Crossfit-sculpted body. But the quality of that milk is often inconsistent at best. What if that breast milk came from someone filled with shame from feasting on McDonald’s Happy Meals? Or your human milk source can’t even do a proper split jerk or handstand pushup? No, you want breast milk from a fierce warrior goddess who’s getting rid of all the crap in her life and on the brink of discovering her inner rhythm huntress one moonlit step at a time. Word to the wise, an ounce of this liquid gold will cost a pretty penny, but your deadlifts will be off the hook.    

Fadge

Fudge made from radishes. Sure it tastes like a vegan’s entrails but it’s gluten-free as f***.

Badger

It’s the new horse meat. Lean, mean and full of little tiny hairs to help the digestion process. Whole Foods’ line of badger is also grass-fed and free range. So rest easy.

A cross between cocoa and cacao with an equally questionable pronunciation

We still don’t know if we’re pronouncing cacao properly or how exactly it’s different from cocoa, but the next evolution in cocoa/cacao is so cutting edge it doesn’t even have a confusing name yet.

Meat smoothies

Venison never tasted so refreshing. Plus who needs all that unbroken down red meat lingering in your colon.

Pond water

In your face coconut water and nut milks. Algae-rich pond water is a nutrient-filled petri dish of goodness. Need further proof? Have you ever seen a skinny frog? 

@KudosKvetches

 

 

 

 

 

 

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