There’s something about someone unfriending you in social media that has an element of public shaming. Some people take Facebook quite seriously and having someone delete you is equivalent to breaking up with you over text message. It’s a way of covertly saying I don’t want to hear anything you have to say without saying it to someone’s face. Hiding behind the anonymity of the internet is not uncommon. We’re often more likely to do or say something via internet we normally wouldn’t to someone versus in person. So what kind of effects does getting unfriended have on us but the more pertinent question on our mind is why?
Social scientists have increased their focus on how our online selves affect self-esteem and interaction with others. Everyday, the average American spends approximately 25% of their time on social network sites. Researchers form University of Colorado also found some reasons why you might have got the axe from a friend on Facebook. According to their research, people generally get deleted because of:
1. Frequent, unimportant posts
2. Polarizing posts usually about politics or religion
3. Inappropriate posts involving sexist, racist remarks
4. Boring everyday life posts about children, food, spouses etc.
While deleting your ex off Facebook should probably be included on the list, we can all agree that these reasons are fairly off putting to see on a regular basis.
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Researchers weren’t just interested in why people delete each other on Facebook but also more complex questions about behavior such as would you avoid a person you deleted on Facebook if you saw them in real life? It turns out 40% of people reported that they would. It appears that your actions online certainly translate to some real world consequences. Women were also more likely then men to play the avoidance game.
Just like real life, it’s not about the breakup itself but how you end it that matters. Researchers found six main factors, which predicted avoidance of a person you deleted:
1. If the person discussed the event after it happened.
2. If the emotional response to unfriending was extremely negative.
3. If the person unfriended believed the action was due to offline behavior.
4. The geographical distance between the two.
5. If the troubled relationship was discussed prior to the un-friending.
6. How strong the person valued the relationship before the un-friending.
As for whom we usually delete, researchers found that we’re likely to unfriend:
1. High school friends
2. Friend of a friend
3. Work friends
4. Common interest friend
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The strongest predictor of unfriending was the degree of closeness at the peak of your friendship when the unfriending happened. People are also usually less negatively impacted if there was a discussion about any difficulties in that particular friendship before the unfriending occurred. Finally, unfriending happens more frequently with close friends compared to an acquaintance.
Facebook provides us all a method that helps us stay connected without a high cost in maintenance. Even though social media allows us to hide behind the veil, remember that the breakup rules still apply. If it’s a close friend and they’re likely to be hurt by an unfriend, it’s wise to just let them know rather than assume they won’t notice or care.
Amy Yew is a registered clinical counselor and relationship therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to amyvancouvercourier@gmail.com. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
