Even though more people are cohabiting before marriage these days and choosing to marry later in life if at all, a majority of people still view marriage as a personal goal in life or a rite of passage. Most couples talk about whether they want to eventually marry or not when things start to get serious. It’s one of those topics that people want laid out on the table so they don’t waste precious years chasing a mirage. But what if your partner changes his/her mind or seems unsure? Is this a sign that you’re not the one for him/her?
First of all, if it’s an absolute deal breaker for you and he/she is sure that marriage is not in the cards, prolonging the relationship will bring up all kinds of effect you in the long run. People who have also put in a significant amount of time, effort or cohabitate are less likely to leave a partner who has set their boundaries about marriage.
Perhaps the trickiest situation is if you have a partner that simply just doesn’t know if they want to get married. This leaves the future of the relationship in limbo and many people don’t do well with uncertainty. In psychology, this is call intermittent reinforcement, which is actually the most powerful kind of reinforcement when it comes to conditioning behavior. Basically, a person in this type of relationship receives cues that marriage is possible (e.g. living together, partner expressing that marriage could be possible but is unsure) so the behavior to stay is reinforced by the possibility of a reward (marriage). Some people even attempt to win their partner over in hopes that proving how amazing of a partner they are will push him/her to the goal faster.
If marriage is a deal breaker for you, there’s no doubt that leaving a relationship/life you built with someone is probably one of the most difficult things you’ll do. Whether marriage is something that validates your worth as a partner or a step towards the next phase of your relationship, realizing that staying with someone who isn’t ready to or doesn’t see marriage the way you do is corroding your sense of self.
Be realistic and think long-term. If you’re holding onto anger or disappointment towards your partner for holding marriage out on you, it’s only a matter of time before resentment takes centre stage in your relationship.
Amy Yew is a registered clinical counselor and relationship therapist. She is also the author of a fashion and lifestyle blog Style Du Jour. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected].
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