Most people have come across a person who was so sensitive, good looking or caring that it made them partner material. The only obstacle? He or she is spoken for. Now this may mean two things: either you’re into people who are unavailable in which case, don’t worry a high percentage of people suffer from this or good partners are often taken. If you’ve really met your “soul mate” but the only problem is they’re taken, should you still go for it?
People often associate nasty names for people who go for someone who is taken such as “cheap, sleazy, home wrecker”. Other people believe that the ultimate responsibility of fidelity lies with their partner, not an extraneous source that might think your mate is attractive.
Whether you’re a closet seeker of unavailable partners or a recognized user of this form of finding your mate, the question is always why? Many women report that pursuing an unavailable man is frustrating and the “emotional chasing” can be also be debilitating on their sense of self-worth.
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People who seek out unavailable partners also usually spend an immense amount of time pursuing their partner of interest. Not to mention, while you’re out there chasing someone who is taken and investing all that time for them to commit, you’re often missing out on other people you could potentially be connecting with thus keeping them emotionally tied to one person.
So why do people seek these situations when there’s no benefit? When it does work out and you get the catch you were going for, it can be extremely self-assuring. It plays up that person’s sense of self worth but offers very little in terms of a secure relationship.
Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers in “Why women love and lust after unavailable men: Traumatic love” found that women who seek out unavailable men as potential partners often:
-More committed to the relationship than their potential partner
-Usually feel like they have less control and power in the relationship
-Change themselves into their partner’s ideal to ascertain him
-Often left “hanging in the wind”
-Have self esteem issues
-Often make excuses for his negligent behaviors
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Meyers also offers up some great advice if you’re looking to get out by focusing on your own emotional needs instead of obtaining his affection.
In every relationship and life, balance is the key. When your relationship is built on a level that’s imbalanced, you often feel like you’re running to catch up to an unreachable destination. There are times when perseverance is an asset but sometimes you have to trust logic and simply cut your losses.
Amy Yew is a registered clinical counselor and relationship therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
